Galatians Five One

Wineskins

2011-02-24T02:18:00.000-08:00

I haven't felt the Lord for about 3 weeks now. I read the bible, I spend time worshipping in music, in FnF work, in whatever and yet I can't feel Him.

I've felt abandoned, frustrated, confused and everything else that a betrayed lover would feel.

Today I prayed and I came to realize something. Sometimes He's got to silence up a bit for me to not play games.
I've taken His grace for granted, made up excuses about my habits, and delayed those promises I've made, that someday I will create art for Him.

And a few hours ago, while in another frustrated prayer session, I think I heard Him speak:

"I've taken away the feelings so you can pour out into your gifts. Worship me through the talents I've entrusted to you."

God is indeed a genius.

Yes sir, will do. I will pour out all my passions to You, create pieces that speak of your glory and shake the confines of mediocrity.

It's time.

Happy New Year

2011-01-02T02:39:00.000-08:00

Hold all the compulsions that want to slam against a wall. Decorations,
Hitting the wall, dead and cold. There is no way out for the moment.
Don't want to sew up each ripped seam of hopeful lies.
Faith. Lies. Doubt. Faith. Anger. Pain. Faith. Confusion.
He is closest to the spiritually impoverished. Those who the world looks upon with
disdain or with admiration.They are equally fleeting and painful.

It will be okay in a few days, weeks, months, maybe years.
I am still thankful for what I do have, the remains are an abundance
to some. Happy New Year. Tomorrow will be better. Hopefully.

Isolated Utterances

2010-11-29T14:16:00.000-08:00

Voices -Melody Gardot, Cassandra Wilson and the great Ella. Not alone in the feeling of lonesomeness, great voices, greater desperation lulls in the evening, silkening the crisp atmosphere. Coping with soothing blue notes, when all things frivilous
are surely prone to distract- her isolation was encased within her own complexities.
Picking up a book, the edges tattered and cover stained with coffee rings, her fragile fingers grazed over
the tired leather. Engravings of holy colors, the book was still ready for use, as its purpose would be null
if left tucked away.
Luke 22:39-46

Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him. On reaching the place, he said to them, “Pray that you will not fall into temptation. He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow.“Why are you sleeping?” he asked them. “Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.”

"Fall into temptation," she thought for a moment. These men, who professed to go to the grave for Jesus, fell asleep from sorrow. Yet the man who led them from the beginning would continue, not withholding his promise to love.

"Get up and pray. So you will not fall into temptation."
And with this reminder, she walked over to the corner of the room and knelt to share in honest conversations.

The room was now warm, with only the breeze envying through window panes.

No Clown Trash... behavior that is.

2010-11-22T02:25:00.001-08:00

Nearly 3:00am and not sleeping shouldn't be good for the body. Nevertheless, here I go with my mind
jumbles for the day.

Gripes:
Despite pretentiousness or lying, what I loathe the most, I will have to encounter everywhere only because it's a part of human nature. It's like driving around during a sunny day only to find out there's a storm right when you step out of your car. I'm sure I've done it here and there, so leaving the plank in my eye, I'll continue to unravel the frustrations associated with...passive aggression.

This post in of itself is in no way an attempt of passively, aggressively sharing my thoughts, however it may seem so initially.
I'm pretty much an active aggressive person if anything. Ask Jonathan.

One of my old bosses was passive aggressive. I would come into work, realize at some point I didn't know how to fill out that application form for our partner company, or write up reviews on each client's case in the way I was supposed to. Every time I went into her office, she would be on the phone, or in a frantic voice tell me that she was working on "a very important grant/document/paper" and will attend to me later. Which of course never happened. Then when I would finish the day's work and leave the papers on her desk for her to review. She would say she'd look over them. Which of course never happened.

When finally I confronted her about my confusion as to what I was supposed to do. She would reply with "why didn't you ask me?"

O_o

That was incredibly annoying and I decided to just keep working hard at what it was I was supposed to be doing/have done.
From that initial confrontation (active aggressive gesture), she would shower me with compliments, then moments later with a crooked half mile, and a full look of anxiety would come upon her face. She'd let me know nicely (but you know, nicely with concern) this or that doesn't look good. If I then replied with more questions because I did not know exactly what she wanted me to change/do, she would then tell me she was busy and will attend to me later. Which again, never happened.

It's either you tell me what I need to improve on, or tell me I suck at what I'm doing and fire me. Please don't do this nonsensical back and forth game. Goodness. The most amusing part of all this was that during the initial job interview she would tell me to not be a typical asian and show passive aggression if there came a problem. Wow.

Now moving on to my thoughts as of late.
Perhaps it's God's way of trying to teach me patience, or to teach me to not be what I don't want to be...
Whatever it may be, it's a trying process.

How do I address an issue without breaking the spirit of a person? And if I do break the spirit of a person because I am not one to play these ridiculous passive aggressive games and would rather tell people in truth what is going on... is it really up to me how they take it? How do I "rebuke" in love, when I think the way I'm sharing is "loving." And if there are others who have the very same conclusion or concerns yet the person being confronted is unwilling or not realizing the gravity of the problems, what am I to do?

I ask these questions to myself, because I am completely conflicted with our American standards of ethical treatment for peers, for workplaces and such. In America, we are told that truth is relative, and each person has their own moral gauge. If this is true, then if I say "Hey Mr. Snootypoots you're being a bit snooty and it's causing everyone else to be more snooty. I think it's best if you stop that snootiness here," am I in the wrong? What if Mr. Snootypoots responds with "Hey, I don't think I did anything wrong, actually, it's your fault that you think the way you do." How is anything supposed to change if this is the case? This entitlement mentality of gen xyz is troubling me.

I used to always admire the professors who would mark up my papers in red and tell me in class that I didn't know it all. Initially, the burn of humiliation would make me want to run away and hide. But after time, I grew to appreciate their brutal honesty and ability to put me in my place. They were my teachers, and I was their student.That was that. Now, students treat teachers like trash. Kids treat parents like trash. It's all trash. No Clown Trash please!

I'm sure I'll get better at this. In time.
For now... got to admit...can be tiresome for the mind.

It rains when you're not

2010-10-22T00:02:00.000-07:00

can't tell in words, break break when meeting the air
calm me down sip of wine nostalgia affairs
nikon freeze freezing moments yeahhhhhh that's what they are
across your twilight eyes rushing boulevards
running in heels blurry cars

oh you waited and im running
much apologies it's not what you wanted
look what you started
will you finish?

let me stop stop stop stop stop running
im getting tired
what now
will you finish?

for the easy, it comes and goes
for the difficult it comes to show
will you finish?
will you finish?
is it finished?
now?

It rains when you're not
here.

Let it Rain

2010-09-12T01:54:00.000-07:00

encapsulate dark hues,
mary jane blues, slowing it down
glistening windows, dew dropped reflections
images reveal itself upon
serious eyes.

could this be what they call
a deep sleep. an unsound sleep.
bury the seed in the ground, all the
way covered in muddy footsteps. smashed
against the muddy dirt and ridged feet
of strangers friends loved ones enemies.
till you become nothing more than dust.

cellophane crinkles, face preservation
from time clocked wrinkles. don't touch
or else it'll break. globs of liquid money
on the face. keeping it fresh and dewy
just like the rain. not like the dirt laden
face.

let the seed die. let it die
dont fight and let it die.
the truth reveals itself in the end.
summer will bring its glory.

The day my heart died.

2010-09-03T23:49:00.000-07:00

Just thinking about the way you died kills me inside.
I'm so sorry Snowflake. I didn't mean to. I didn't know it would
happen like this. I only wanted to rescue you. You had fleas, and was about
to die. I took you in, and I'm sorry you had to die like that. I didn't
know it would be that way. I waited so long to catch you, and God let me catch you.
But I didn't know it would end like this. I'm sorry Snowflake, I'm really so sorry.
You were such a good rabbit. You were calm and gentle, and never fought back.
And I wish you would have fought Lucky back harder. But Lucky was too strong, I
know. I wish my mom didn't have to clean the room like that and leave you outside.
I wish I bough a cage for you so you didn't have to be chased around and killed.
I should have bought a cage right away instead of waiting. I didn't have the
money at that time Snowflake. I'm so sorry. I didn't have the money, and couldn't
get a cage for you. I wish you didn't have to die like that. I wish I had a job
so I could have bought you a cage. Or I wish I was out there when Lucky broke
her chain so I could have rescued you. I want you to know that I loved you very
much. I would have gladly been attacked by Lucky in your place. I really would have.
I'm sorry Snowflake. I miss you so much. I wish you were alive. I'm sorry Snowflake.
I'm sorry. :********( I want you back Snowflake. Please come back.

Glass Paradigms

2010-04-23T19:50:00.000-07:00

"It's as if I'm trapped inside a surreal glass-paned trapezoid."

"Why? I don't get your logic."

"Everything's moving too fast you see. All around me. I see it. There's all this noise, but I can't hear nothing inside this."

"Can't you just break out of it? Smash it?"

"Well. I like to preserve myself. Make sure everything's tidy. But then, I get all messy inside of here. No one can really see it, even though it's all transparent."

"I still don't get it."

"Yea, no one does. I want to be out there on the other side. Taking pictures, petting stray rabbits, eating foriegn foods, making unmade music."

"Then why don't you?"

"I already told you. I can't move as fast. They are already too ahead. And besides, look at what I'm already doing inside of here. I got to keep all this in-tact."

"I don't know. Looks like you might smash it all soon."

"I will one day. When the times right. It's not time yet."

When you have all that you want...

2010-01-10T05:09:00.000-08:00

It's 5:10 am. I am up.
The noise trails of cars race by my apartment, following the hush of street trees.
Reading Heavenly Man, yet again, has humbled me.

One day I will die. And you will too.
What is this life that we waste on distractions and frivolous notoriety?
"meaningless! meaningless! says the teacher."

Living in Los Angeles, I've become accustomed to:

1. Making sure to not wait in line.
2. Always finding a way to try out the latest hot spots.
3. Keeping: good grades, a most supportive boyfriend, and physical/social attentiveness

It is a thrill, to always have everything you want. Have everything you want.
Apartment on the west side with plenty of parking. Art Director Boyfriend who does work for high profile companies and clientele. The ability to: edit film, write papers, read books, dance, analyze, business forecast, market, counsel, write curriculum, do bible study, cook, find deals, photoshop/finalcut/protools, stopmotion.So much food in the fridge that it spoils within a week. I use sprigs of Basil, from my Basil plant, not the dry stuff. Saffron to color and flavor rice. I work out for free at UCLA's gym, and use their saunas / showers. Eat out: Allora in Weho. Bottega in DT. Real Food in BH. Planet in SM. Sandwiches on Larchmont. Sprinkles. Lawrys. Flemings. Taurino. Tasca. RoadtoSeoul. Phoenix.Kogi. Pinks.Unagi.Pacos.Blue Marlin.Novel.Intelligensia.Cashbah.Private Lofts.Lofty prices.Fashion shows.Benefits.Les Deux/ Citizen/Green Door/etc. HotelCafe.MagicCastle.RevoLA.Shepard Fairy. Shakira.Melrose. JetRag.Goodwill.944. GOOD.Freedom and Fashion...

My boyfriend is the almost perfect boyfriend in existence. Only Jesus is my perfect boyfriend.I have supportive parents, who don't beat me (anymore at least). I love my church small group. I have friends. I have more than most, and I know it.

I dont want any of this if that is all there is to life.
There will always be this insatiable appetite for more, if I choose to worship myself.
Me.Me.Me.Me.Me.

I humbly ask you my fellow brother/sister in Christ (if you're reading this), to keep me in prayer. I want to use all that He has blessed me with for His glory, to expand His kingdom, and show His love to many who are hurting or not realizing His love.

My friend just emailed me today about how one of our FnF team members accepted Christ.
And again, I was reminded.

The journey and fight is not about me.
It's about Jesus Christ, and my life isn't over yet.

before a fall

2009-12-29T16:11:00.000-08:00

when withering leaves becomes of me
will you see?
a fine autumn day
aerial shots
black caps, black suits, black boots
paying homage to the great
let down
the box into the soil
among petitions of others
for reality to not set in

down goes the great
back to dust

come along all!
let arise the one
holding keys

all hail!
gates of hell
will not prevail, prevail, prevail.

a few months equals life changed.

2009-11-16T04:40:00.000-08:00

it's almost 5am.
these past 6-7 months has been killer.
i never knew how big freedom and fashion would get.
the lord is good.

new season of healing for many.
including me.

jhplusbk to come soon.
post show of course.

back to work.
see you guys at the show this thursday. dont be late!

Of Worry and Paradigm Shifts

2009-08-17T14:51:00.000-07:00

it's been a while hasn't it? i wonder if blogging less means im being productive in real time. perhaps.

i don't know what to make of this post. a friend of mine started a new blog called "steveleeismeantome", a daily musing consisting of fml moments to which i thought mildly brilliant. i say mildly for now and will conclude it either rubbish or brilliant after a few more posts. yea i said rubbish. sterilized trash is less offensive, at least in my world.

besides the never ending white noise of commuters, it's relatively quiet in my apartment. against the busyness outside, i am left immobile to thoughts - a worrisome creature i am. some say it's necessary for the execution of tasks. others say it leads to ulcers and a horrible attitude in life. cross hatched leaves droop above our balcony reminding that even trees are taken care of.

it is well it is well within my soul. even ants smashed by my roomie's hands show of wrath deserving, yet i am spared when i curse another soul. why is this? this morning, i read on the topic of grace. this past year i've come to a deeper understand of it. it's remarkable to think that paradigms do shift, often unknowingly to the person in them. i knew i lived under grace before, but to what degree? the revelation of God's love for me and the frailty of who i am is humbling.

so for the most of you out there, i've been working with a fantastic team to host a fashion show in the fall. every single day has been a challenge in one way or another. the team is now about 20 strong, yet i always wonder how it will all pan out in the end. i only know to walk by faith for now.

...in the end, all that glitters will fade. more than fame and wealth, i want to leave an impression in the heavenlies.

God be my everything.

tightrope

2009-07-15T18:18:00.000-07:00

i will not cop out.
i will not make fashion over jesus.
i will not make cause over jesus.
i will not make emotions over jesus.

i love you jesus.
only you changed my heart and saved me from years of abuse
and pain.

keep me grounded lord because i can't do this without you.

I am loved; I am thankful

2009-04-25T02:55:00.000-07:00

i am back, fresh to death droppin on this spot. welcome back welcome back to the wee hours of late night musings.
what's a goin on?

so much it's elephant-sized or more.

where to begin...started student teaching at both a middle and high school, almost cried at seeing how much they've improved in writing essays withing two months, started helping out with FNF, i dont know.. life is just so fantastic.

every morning i awake to a disgruntled body in want of safety between comforter sheets; i fight to get up and out. but God has been doing a number on my conscience and discipline issues. (by the way, much kudos and 'ppreciation to those who have been praying for me about that). never in all of my 20 something years have i been so disciplined. God challenged me to spend time with him right when i wake up (the space between numbness and fleshy desires at its peak) and right before i say adieu to the day and enter into oblivion. it's been about two months since and there is a definate change. remember my previous posts of how busy i was? well... that has increased.. yet my peace and joy in life has also increased all the more. i love teaching these crazy 7th and 9th graders. i love my roommate. i love my friends. i love my church. i love FNF and all its members. i love helping out with UCLA's fashion show. i love the hot weather, the amazing eateries in west la / hollywood / la cienga /santa monica. i love the chill joints in downtown. i love stopping by echo park and grabbing an organic kombacha juice with custom made burrito at tribal cafe. i love that my friend brett always invites me to the echoplex even though i never get to go (but we shall!). i love it that i met people like jeanne and joanne who love art and music and jesus. i love running for free at the wooden. i love going to fashion shows, art shows in olavera street, homemade filipino curry, beach cruzin on venice beach passing a trillion people while talking to alex about how we can raise funds to give children laptops, i love salsa (though i suck), love getting an interview with daniel franco, collaborating with Giving Children Hope and Not For Sale, i love Phoenix and their music, i love willo's rebukes (sometimes), daniel's patience, nart's networking advice, ian's guidance on project execution, yen ling's event planning tips, enoch's prayers, kevin's pure friendship, caroline's supportive attitude, danny's fellowship, stephanie's heart for the broken, matt's late night invitations for tea and cake at korean cafes in downtown (ha), karen's artsy loves, and everything about LA (except the traffic), catherine's i miss yous, gina's vatoloco vmails, reggie's fake disgust when embraced, gloabl-minded people, so many talented people everywhere, so much to learn from...

in all things.. whether rich or poor or with much or little.. i shall be content...

for now.. i know i have much and am not complaining. the only part i've really changed is spending more time with Jesus.... and tah-dah, something has shifted.

Thank you God. You said You will pull me through the months of hell and You did.
You challenged me to spend more time with you and now I realize why.

Everything is still the same in some sense... I think I have changed as a person.

And still changing...

:0)

entrapments never package itself as sin

2009-03-01T22:35:00.001-08:00

it gets harder as i get older..
the more you know the harder to believe.

the artist's life is a risky one.
lost in the trances of emotion
pretty spirals and curly cues.

getta chick confused sometimes.

focusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocusfocus

Continuum of Misery Turning into GLORY

2009-02-17T22:03:00.001-08:00

This is Bonnie speaking: So today was a crappy day. Clipped my new car (just got it last month) on a brick ledge (door is slightly bent in, and white gash), didn't do so well teaching the kids (forgot they read the article already and I told them we were gong to "finish it), got reassigned in a job im doing (and i was so excited to do the other job too), was bombarded with thoughts of past relationships gone sour, drank some juice in the fridge (it tasted weird but exp. date was 4/09/09) and know it was bad juice bc now I can't concentrate on lesson planning due to nausea...

Im thinking.. in light of my last post on my blog.. and Pastor Adam's sermon.. when crappy things happen..

God, how can you be glorified in all this? God, you can make even the most crappiest of situation an opportunity to say " I am so blessed. I have so much. I am thankful."

And it's true. I feel so entitled to so much. Entitlement is America's plight! I am entitled to anything, yet I have so much--I have a car, I'm going to a school to teach at with a friend as my guiding teacher (and I go in at 1pm everyday while everyone goes in at 8am), I get to participate in the event (and get in for free), I've had a chance to love, to be loved, and to learn about my character, and I can always remember not to drink weird tasting juice (and buy good juice asap!).

Thank you Jesus. You will turn my mourning into dancing. You will show me how powerful you are in light of these "inconveniences".

Every thought turns into an action. Be wary of how long we want to deal on thoughts of defeat or condemnation.

I rebuke that in Jesus' name!

A Series of Fortunate Unfortunate Events

2009-01-23T17:51:00.000-08:00

Perspective determines everything. What is this "everything" I speak of? Well, basically, what the word entails. All that encompasses life, meaning, effort, blah! I had a dream the other night. Someone told me in the dream "An angel of the Lord was sent to you to bother you". This was after all the series of unfornate occurnaces in my recent life.

Fortunate Unfortunate Event 1:

I was studying at Covel's study area @ UCLA. I left my blackberry phone. And left the premise (since they close at 2am). I realized this grave mistake, went back, was told they locked up the place, wanted to smack the worker girl for her lack of care for my precious organizer of my life that was left alone in that cold and unwelcoming room. After revisiting Covel trice, calling four times, the realization set in that I wasn't going to get my precious phone back. Feeling very anxious and discombobulated, I wondered what was I do to... pray... I prayed that I would get it back. But I didn't. So I wondered what the point of this situation was. Strangly enough, I was challeneged to choose a different perspective. I started thanking God for the freedom of not having emails / texts / calls / aims / bbchatmessages /facebook status distractions running my life. And for a week, I did not have a phone, and I felt so free. IN addition, I did get a new phone for free, from my dad. He surprised me with a sidekick (oh how sidekicks will never depart from me) and we ate dinner for the first time together in downtown a few days ago. I love the sidekick. It suits me so much better than a blackberry. God is amazing. He knows best.

Fortunate Unfortunate Event 2:

The next day, I went back to Covel (why, I dont know), and ate some soup. A few hours later, I woke up at 2am making myself friendly with the toilet. I was blowing my nose and there was blood. hmm okay. Food poisoned and miserable, I thought to myself "woe's me, this dreadful occurance." I went back to sleep, and woke up at 7am feeling like acid was bubbling in my tummy. Deciding to head for the emergency room (yea, it was bad enough). Driving on Pico bld nauseated and miserable, I pulled over and threw up along the road. ugh. So miserable. Then as I headed back to UCLA's hospital, another thought challeneged me. "How can you change your perspective in this situaiton?" WIth that, praises came out of my mouth even thought I didnt "feel" like saying them. "Thank you God for a car to go to the ER with. Thank you God for the hospital that I can go to" etc. It was oddly enough..very refreshing. Upon entering the hospital, they put an iv into me, pumped some fluids and drugs. And I was okay after a few hours.

Fortunate Unfortunate Event 3:

After that day, I was planning the meals for the CSC retreat, thinking to leave right away to the grocery store (since I had to carpool within 2 hours)... when I recieve a call from the UPS man outside who wanted me to open up the gate. He had a package for MY NEIGHBOR but decided to call my apt instead since he couldn't get a hold of her. So, still talking with him on the phone, I walk out take the package, drop it off at my neighbor's door and come back to the closed door of my LOCKED apt. I didn't have anyone's number (phone got stolen), and didn't remember anyone's number. So... after being pretty pissed... again... an opportunity to change my thoughts! So, looking at the sun, I started with "It's such a beautiful day today. God thank you that it is a beautiful day, and everything is under control." I'm not going to lie, it was still very annoying. I have people waiting for me (carpool) and I didn't even start shopping for the food. I walk to my neighbor's apt (the one where I left the package at the door) and knocked. She let me in, let me use her internet, I got a hold of my roommate and called her. SHe was in Corona and wasn't going to be back until after the weekend. Great. So I call the manager and they came later...BUT the point was... I met my neighbor and she surfs. and does computer website programming, and snowboards, and GAH! She is amazing! I ended up being extremely happy that I got locked out so I met this wonderful new friend! I might ask her to design the Freedom and Fashion website! We'll seee. For now, we're going to be surfing together. yay!

Fortunate Unfortunate Event 4:

The CSC retreat was amazing. The beach house was posh, and we had breakfast facing the ocean waves everyday. We did devos in the sand. Le sigh. Everything was going amazing, until I slept wrong and cramped my neck. I couldn't move it to the right. It was so bothersome that my head started hurting. This lasted for two days even after the retreat. I was so miserable again... and yes... as you might have guessed.. the disicplining of emotions, and replacing it with gratitude.. "God thank you that I can get through this physical misery. Thank you ...etc." And not surprisingly, it didn't bother me that much. In addition, last night while driving to the Music Box with enoch, he prayed for healing and 98% percent of the pain left! How wonderful our God is.

POINT OF THESE FORTUNATE UNFORTUNATE EVENTS:

The mind is indeed a battlefield. We have the ability to use any situation to praise God and endure the hardship as disicpline or to complain and live in misery for the entitlement that we aren't reciving. It's really astonishing how much a person can endure once they choose to change their perspective. And it's all about choice. The choice to be thankful!

God is a crazy teacher of sorts. He has been teaching me disicpline for the past few months, but these recent happenings have been a "boot camp experience. Thank you Jesus. You are freaking awesome and you love love love love me so much. yay!

Hark for Ages, Be Courageous

2009-01-12T04:31:00.001-08:00

It's 5:00am and I am in need of sleep. Sleep deprivation makes for a very irritable morning. Laying down my head at midnight, I was kidding myself when I thought sleep would easily come upon me. So after two hours of unsettling thoughts keeping me from my well deserved rest, I decided for productivity instead. Finished cleaning up the room, organizing some materials for tomorrow, contemplating if I should log onto Facebook (okay, that's not productive, and I did cave), reading, rationalizing certain thoughts...

On that note. When does performance outweigh character? I find it very morbidly fascinating to see those who have the amazing ability to influence, to lead, to shape the nature of human's frail minds into courage, lead dual lives. Of course, people are not without sin; we all fall short. But when there is such a stark contrast between loving the stranger and loving the close ones.. it boggles my mind. Could I argue that loving the stranger is actually easier at times? The stranger is not aware of the lover's shortcomings...yet. And when the stranger becomes close enough to be a close one, they are no longer recognized as deserving the love that a stranger deserves. I have observed those with charisma, talent, even spiritual gifts, overlook the aspect of personal moral character, thinking that their service to mankind suffices. Obedience is better than sacrifice, and rebellion is like sorcery says the Word. I believe God delights in a person listening and obeying His directions more than what we can offer. To offer our own ideas of sacrifice is in essence prideful and a perversion of truth. His ways are much higher than our ways, and the results of our actions has consequences. In comparison, I find it exceptionally laudable when meeting those who challenge themselves transparently. Even if their vices are gruesomely honest before a critical public, it is honest. And when they expose their vulnerability, it is then that healing takes place. Others, who may be struggling are also surprised to find that they aren't fighting it alone.

This sounds harsh, and maybe it is. But truth was never suppose to feed into the lies of entitlement. I am not entitled to live a double life, and maybe that is why often times I feel very alone in being this way. Often I feel a bit frightful exposing myself so much via blogging. But, it keeps me level-headed and gives an opportunity for what reality means to me. I am full of shortcomings. I am fearful of things. I am lost in thoughts many a times.

But this is who I am and I refuse to not deal with areas in my life that bring pain to myself and to others.
And when I meet people who understand this (even attempts at it), I want to take their hand, shake it,
and say "teach me".

A Wayward Heart Comes Home

2009-01-02T14:12:00.000-08:00

What can I say but be stilled by the grace God has shown me. For the past few days, I've attended the Jesus Generation Conference held by Blessed church. Various speakers spoke so much truth into my life. Prayer warriors at the bottom of the stage prayed for me extensively, prophesied many convicting words of knowledge and of the future. I was left in tears of repentance knowing that God was and still by my side all this time.

I don't know exactly what it is, but I am for certain that 2009 is going to be a very life changing year. Aside from the fact that I will be a salaried teacher by fall, there is a air of freshness equipping me for new beginnings and greater expectations. After being prayed for (I was like Jacob, wrestling for God's blessings and healing until I got it, haha) I felt so free, so liberated from all the months of mental turmoil I was enduring. Many of you know from my emotional instabilities (even more so than usual) I was going through a very dark period of my life. Every morning a new breed of negative thoughts of self-worthlessness and sharp stings pervaded my mind. Questions of "how" or "why" bothered any sanity I held onto. It was obessessive compulsicve thinking to say the least. But by the end of the week, the power of the Holy Spirit took over this crippled mind and challenged it to faith. I was so blind to the truth of God's love and soveringty. I was being oppressed extensively and didn't even know it. God kept telling me that "times of refreshing are soon to come". I was waiting and waiting and waiting... night after night after night after night. Le mes.

When you're living in a life of compromise (in the sense of rebellion, not out of ignorance), you are asking to be enslaved to confusion and dissatisfaction. As for me, I still didn't realized the depth of bitterness I held onto inside. Even reading the bible, often words will be read through the lens of a person's heart. That is why it is crucial to come empty and seek the Holy Spirit's guidance when reading the scripture. The other night I was reading "If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love" (John 15:10). I was more annoyed than encouraged. I analyzed this verse and thought "So, okay God, then your love is conditional, since I have to do things for you."

But, the heart is truly deceptive... My heart, at that time was filled with anger towards God. I did not "feel" His love. I did not want to acknowledge that He cared for me. And what it came down to was my own selfishness. If you truly think about it, if I profess to have faith in God, then why do I grumble when I don't get what I want? Lack of faith = faith in myself.

During the conference, people prayed certain words "give her a new heart" "God is giving you heart surgery" "Give her joy, take the pain away" "Help her to know that You are good" "Heal the pain in her heart" and more. I didn't tell any of these people what was going on in my life, and I don't believe I made any dramatic gestures during the prayer to give them clues as to what was going on. But time and time again, it always came down to the renewing of my heart. Finally, balling broken and unashamed, I told God how sorry I was for my lack of faith in Him.

Then, liberation.
It's interesting when I looked at the verse in John after the conference. I scribbled the prior mentioned markings on the margins of my bible. Next to it, I wrote "No, the reason why you obey God is because His directions are coming from a place of Love, not vice versa". It made complete sense to me. Without having a relationship based on love, you cannot trust. And without trust, there is no faith, since trust is faith. So, having no faith in God, basically meant, I wasn't living in His love, but doing whatever I pleased (and who am I to know what's best for me right? haha).

There are tons of other God moments, I'll write them up later. But for now,
I am soooo freee and happpppyyyyy!

God you are so good.
Jesus' blood never fails.

Discipline and Love

2008-12-26T16:59:00.000-08:00

What has God been doing in my life as of recent... hmm. Let's see here.
"Waiting" and having "patience" has been a recurring theme for several weeks now. The more I struggle in life, the more I realize much about who I am; character flaws that were once unknowingly pushed under the rug are now screaming at me. I am very impatient (not a surprise to many of you). I don't know how to enjoy life without making it a task. I am extremely task-orientated, but also reliant on emotions (which is in essence a contradictory trait to being task-orientated). I am very unforgiving of myself when I fail, and don't know how to be okay in doing nothing. I've realized I picked up these character habits from those who were once close to me, or is close to me, and made them my own. I realized I'm always fighting against God when it comes to my calling-- teaching. I know, at least for this season in my life, I am to eat breathe live to teach. I know being a fashion designer will be exciting in it's initial beginnings, but will inevitably grind me into nothingness as I recognize the machine that controls it. I know once I see the eyes of impoverished youth sparkle with opportunities they've never known, I will say "This is worth it".

Why is God so simple and complex? Why am I so complex? Why does He continuously pursue me and "discipline those He loves". I hate to be disciplined. Who likes it right? I was reading the other day, "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:7-11

So, all these character flaws... being uprooted... through discipline.
A painful process indeed, but I feel so much more free! and happy!
His cup is starting to overflow, or maybe it always has been overflowing and I was just unaware of it.

Man, 2009 is going to be great. I know it!

Paradigm

2008-12-21T01:46:00.000-08:00

Everybody loves a rose
Will you be thankful for the thorns?
Love is easy when you're loved
Do you curse another when you're alone?

Oh, I give my life to You so I can gain it back again
Oh, I stand solid while the paradigm is shifting

You say live and let live
But people are dying everyday
You say what I don't know wont hurt me
But if what I do not know
Is the very thing I need
Then I say....

Oh, I give my life to You so I can gain it back again
Oh, I stand solid while the paradigm is shifting

Humanity sees truth through shattered window panes
That blocks the view, and plants the seed
So we draw the curtains to a close but I say
That the sun can still shine
behind a closed mind
And sticks and stones do hurt
When tossed from the tongue of mankind

Oh, I give my life to You so I can gain it back again
Oh, I stand solid while the paradigm is shifting

Oh, I give my life to You so I can gain it back again

Oh, I give my life to You so I can gain it back again
Oh, I stand solid while the paradigm is shifting

Paradigm...
Paradigm is shifting, is shifting... away, away...

Walking Liberated

2008-11-28T23:15:00.000-08:00

Almost everyday I find myself battling this anxiety within. I realized recently, that I'm am more of a controlling perfectionist than I would admit, and always am striving to be the best at anything and everything. And when I finally come to a point of exhaustion, confusion, and wondering why I feel this was, a gentle nudging from my God reminds me to be at peace. I'm reminded that I will never be the best, never be the most creative / talented / smartest / powerful / influential / prettiest / funniest / wittiest / __________ in this lifetime. And God is teaching me to "let go" of all that gets in the way of proclaiming his goodness for my life. All these attributes, when it comes down to it, springs from insecurity, jealously, and a lust for the things of this world. It's brilliant how Jesus knew this. He reminds us to "take up the cross and follow me". What seems like pain and persecution is only a bridge way to seeing God work through the circumstances. That is true freedom. There is healing for the brokenhearted, hope for the hungry, the confused, the depressed. John knew this:

15 Don't love the world and what it offers. Those who love the world don't have the Father's love in them. 16 Not everything that the world offers-physical gratification, greed, and extravagant lifestyles-comes from the Father. It comes from the world, and 17 the world and its evil desires are passing away. But the person who does what God wants lives forever. (1 John 2:16).

I'll admit. Conflict arises in my mind. I attend an institution that spews out humanistic / post modern / relative ideologies. I am tempted to compromise my beliefs because what others say seem to make sense or I don't want to offend opinions. It's not easy being in a relationship with a person (Jesus) and people hating your lover. I speak about Jesus because I know He loves me and I love Him. I speak about Him because He rescued me from so much torment, how can I not share my experience? But at times, I am conflicted. I feel very alone in my views, in my passion for Him. Then, come the moments where God shows me up. He shows me how one verse in His word is truth again.

At school, I learn about great educators, and what types of theories work. Funny enough, great educational reformers like Paulo Freire made the conclusion that it is through the characteristics of humility and love that determine the outcome of true educational transformation. I read this stuff and think, "Wow... this is a simple biblical truth." Because of this, I can't help but to feel a bit impatient with what we learn in class. The life instructions the bible offers are effective (I wouldn't be saying this if it hadn't work in my life, or others). It is tiresome when I sit in class with 3 hours of overstatements on how this technique or that strategy will or will not work.

Another example, I'm writing a paper on "deficit thinking". Now, deficit thinking is basically how a situation or condition is perceived negatively. For instance, I can walk into a room in Tibet and think "Oh my, dirt floors how sad." But to Tibetians, it isn't sad, it's normal. Under deficit thinking, there is deficit speaking. If a teacher constantly tells a student, "this is too hard for you," or "you are dumb," deficit speaking says that you have just spoken a self-fulfilling prophecy. The child will inevitably end up "dumb" or struggling with the "hard" assignments. The researchers of this deficit thinking theory have done testing after testing and found the theory to be pretty solid.

Now how does this all tie in with the bible? The bible is covered with verses about how you should watch what you say. You can bless and curse people just by the faith in the words you speak. And what you say has power. It's so simple; it boggles my mind when simple biblical truths are secularized, intellectualized, studied and concluded with evidence of its existence. And when you mention how the bible speaks of these same truths, it's disregarded, since faith is foolishness to the educated.

Although because of all shaz, class bores me to death, I must rid aside my own "deficit" thinking, and learn to be thankful. I am thankful for the opportunity to be attending UCLA. I am thankful that one day God will use me to impact lives. I am thankful that I am being challenged in my beliefs, and God keeps showing me how He is still the TRUTH. I think 2008 has been the loneliest and most painful year of my life. I'm still in a desert time with God, but 2009 is going to be different. It is definitely going to be a significant and life-altering, I can feel it coming and am excited to see what's in stored.

Yay!

Passion Church is a Loving Church

2008-11-17T18:35:00.001-08:00

So recently, God has been convicting me about illegal software. I have about $3000.00 worth of illegal software in my new Mac. Yoochul asked me if one sin was different from another the other week, and I was truly convicted. I tried to fight it. I needed the software, I need to be making movies, etc. But do the ends justify the means? In this case, no.

I didn't know what to do. I told God that I'm struggling financially. I'm down to about $500.00 for the rest of November and December. Getting new software wasn't going to help the financial problems go away. But God wants obedience not sacrifice, so I proceeded to obey.

Then today i spoke with Brian Kho with passion church asking if he got in touch with his friend who worked at the computer section at UCLA. I wanted to see if there were any discounts available. He then replied, "Bonnie, Passion church bought the CS4 package you needed. I'll meet you sometime tomorrow to give it to you."

Speechless.

These guys were the same students who donated $100.00 to help me purchase my Macbook.

Why do you guys show so much of God's love?

This is grace.

the good fight

2008-11-17T11:29:00.000-08:00

Left with the ashes
that are remains
of memories once treasured
each day suffering
a new battle
of loneliness
of misunderstood
communication errors
calling out
My God, where are you?
God, I need you so much right now!
Every person
that was once a treasure
inside the crevices of my heart
has left a void
and a heart punctured with
holes of every size
My God, where are you?
I need you so much right now!
why go on? why fight this good fight?
do i need more than i have?
isn't His grace enough for me?
I say yes, but the sharp stab inside says no
a battle within
everyday
i want
to
fight the good fight.
and go home.

DeFiNiCion NEW SHIRTS

2008-11-11T15:42:00.001-08:00

New Shirts:

Check Em Outs!

Art and Deeper

2008-11-05T12:17:00.001-08:00

i wonder if it's too much to ask to be surrounded by more fashionista/os, photogs, music junkies and the ecetera. i feel silly dressing up for school sometimes (grad school!). i'm labeled as emo if i passionately enjoy and analyze what students are wearing, or when i look at a photograph and say, "yes, that's it."
something about being in a pool of passionate people strikes me. it lets me live another day. i don't mean to be so dramatic, but that's who i am. i like seeing you, for who you are, not for all that you are hiding behind. you're a tree, and im ready to get beyond your shallow leaves, i dig. that's who i am. and i don't want to be this way at times, it often isolates me for people are a peculiar bunch. they fear what they long for the most, to be real and be. but they raise up their fists, branches and all, waving to themselves to push against the momentarily drafts of purposelessness. im not inclined to tell anyone that i got it all figured out, nope i'm even worse, dealing with insecurities that many do not know of. but what i do know, and have gotten figured out, this life is short, why waste it with superficial jargon? yea, maybe art itself is a shallow distraction also, but it leads to deeper meanings. how can art in essence be superficial without insulting the piece itself? if it is insult, it rightly deserves its pain. it's only is a piece of crap, it deserves to be insulted.

harsh? i suppose. but superficiality is insulting. we all are, and we all insult one another with it. only because we're scared.

until we know we are loved
and is in love.

by one who isn't swayed by the weak structures of this place
we call life.

Crazy Happenings with grace

2008-10-29T11:54:00.000-07:00

The other day I was in class feeling very alone. Most of the people in there know that I am a Christian. I speak about my beliefs occasionally, enough for others to label me as "religious". Gosh, I hate that word. It's much like the difference between calling someone your "boyfriend" or calling them your "lover". Yea, both have characteristics of what attraction between two people may look like, but the latter signifies depth. Jesus Christ isn't a teacher who commands me to obey a set of beliefs and I am to damn other people if they aren't following. Jesus Christ loves me. And yes, I do have a relationship with God, where we have dialogue, where He tells me what the next best steps are, where He tells me the future about certain events and people. That is the difference between what "religiosity" and "relationship" is.

For the past few days God has been graciously blessing me, enough for me to see account it more than coincidence. Currently, I am student teaching at Belmont, an inner city school comprised of half of their students failing classes. As many know, I am involved with three ministries: Grace Korean Church Family Group co-Leading, Newsong LA small group, and Christian Students of Conscience (UCLA) Core training. In addition, juggling 20 units and 432084038 pages of reading I wonder where I find the time to socialized (thank God I do).

Christian Students of Conscience had a prayer meeting led by Professor Robert Romero (also a pastor at Newsong LA) on UCLA's campus. It is there where I met Jose Morales. Jose is also now part of CSC's core training group and we meet every Thursday in Culver City, joined with Newsong LA's JAC (Justice Advocacy Compassion) team.

The following few weeks My cohort adviser from UCLA told me to do my observation and 3-weeks of student teaching at Belmont High school. I saw that Belmont had the most need (lack of resources, funds, etc.) and recalled Won Kim (GKC's head pastor's son) telling me "Go to the school that is hardest to work in, and you'll learn more", and heeded his challenging advice.

Every Teacher Education Program student from UCLA has someone called a "guiding" teacher at the schools that they are observing/student teaching at. Well, amazingly, out of all the schools that I had a choice from in LAUSD, and out of all the teachers I could have been observing, I am in Jose Morales's room, my friend, and fellow CSC member. There is much grace upon my life because of this. I have the liberties of studying (catching up on readings) during my "observation time", coming in at an hour that would not severely deprive me of sleep, collaborating smoothly on lesson plans, have genuine conversations about our personal spiritual walks, etc. I was matched with JOSE! Because of this, there is more time allotted in the day to do other ministry works.

For instance, yesterday, I was leading worship and prayer with GKC small group and we ended up hanging out till 1am! If I was with another teacher, I'd be screwed because he/she would be on my case about not coming in at 8am.

The small group time was wonderful and well-needed for most of us (including myself). There were about 15 people in total, and 3 of them were newcomers from Santa Monica College. During prayer time, one of the girls shared her experience about some personal issues and felt that she was going "crazy". Anna and I looked at each other and thought the same "wow, we know exactly what she is going through." We had a change to minister to her and she felt so relieved. Later that night, our group went up to Bruin cafe to hang out, and the same girl talked about how she needed to do an interview for one of her classes. She spent the whole day asking faculty members if any of them had experience with the issues of human trafficking. Will Kim laughed and then told her that I had experience with that (Nightlight) and that that is currently a topic that God has put in my heart. She jumped up ecstatically, and shouted "Oh my gosh, you're exactly the person I need to interview, God is so good!" The crazier part is, I have been praying that God would continue to network me with those who have a heart for anti-human trafficking. Every week I am meeting one or two people, who want to get involved with this issue. Simply amazing.

Oh, yea and another act of grace. Most of you know that I wanted a Macbook so I can start doing the documentary (of which I will keep the subject confidential here but is related to the trafficking issue) and write / record music. I prayed that God would help me financially with getting a Macbook knowing that this will help me make music and movies for His purposes. I searched on craigslist for great deal, but to my dismay found none. UCLA's store was having a sale to get rid of the white 13inch macbooks. They were selling it for 899.99 (2.4ghz, etc) which was an excellent deal considering it had enough power and space to do some editing, and it was 300-400 dollars less than the new ones. But still, that was so much money for me (I bring 1-2 sacked lunch everyday to save money!). Brian Kho of passion church (simple churches, Jaeson Ma, Organic church network) called me and told me to wait at Ackerman book store because he had a gift for me. He was in his dorm (way north of campus), took the bus down, and skated to the bookstore just to meet and and give me a gift. I had told him about the documentary idea prior, and he and a few PC members grouped up and collected $100.00 for me. He said that he felt that this is something PC wants to support in, knowing that this documentary idea came from God. These are college students who don't have money, sometimes eating ramen for their dinners, and I was so humbled to see the love through sacrifice of finances. I don't even go to Passion Church! What the heck!!!??? I ended up paying about 800.00 for a new white macbook. Brian also told me he's going to give me his macbook cover, and a few others said they will help me to learn how to do flash (for CSC / SKYSUN web design) and such. God's grace overflows.

Sometimes I get caught up in my emotional / mind battles and I forget to see such grace.

Simply Amazing.

GOD THANK YOU.

By His Grace Im Surviving Right Now.

2008-10-27T02:13:00.000-07:00

It's been a few weeks into life in LA. It has been a mixed of hell and pleasure. Grad school has disappointed me at times. I expected more in terms of mind stimulation, but it's because I'm not as engaged in class? Who knows. Distractions are heavy. Everyday, I wake up to disturbing thoughts of the recent past, paralyzing the new day. Each morning I'm fighting to reorder my mind, to hold onto the greater joys that lie ahead. Much of life is passing by: 20 units, lesson plans, GKC small group, Newsong small group, CSC, friends, homework, readings, CSC website making, SKYSUN webblog making, documentary brainstorming, buying food, making food, consuming wisely, is this fair trade? is this eco-friendly? please, only that, proposition arguements, not spending money as much as possible, issues of sex slavery...and the list continues. what i find release in: photography, art, music, reading. i was advise by a friend today to make some time for myself. The mixture of duties are real. I know I am supposed to make that documentary. I know I'm supposed to be a part of CSC and GKC and be in a teacher education program. I know I'm supposed to be making music. So why the heavy-burdens?

It is definitely a test of my character. Timing is indeed everything. Adding to my impatient nature, my own comforts zones have been crossed. Various types of people, types of class differences, types of ministry focuses, various giftings, school's indoctrination of humanistic/post modern/relative perspectives, and of course, the recurring dreams (sometimes nightmares) of the constant reminder that i just wasn't good enough.

How can I live without Jesus?
By His grace I'm surviving through all this chaos.
In a season or two, I will be stronger...

2008-10-24T10:49:00.000-07:00

Website Info.

When and how did CSC start?
God first placed the vision for CSC in Robert and Erica’s heart in the fall of. 2005. As a professor of Chicana/o Studies at UCLA, Robert observed that there is a terrible and insidious misconception of Christianity which has taken hold of college and university campuses throughout the United States and the world: This is the lie that Christianity stands opposed to issues of racial and social justice and that one cannot be a follower of Jesus Christ and care about justice. This spiritual lie keeps millions of students from coming to know the Lord Jesus and it produces two destructive trends: (1)It serves as a spiritual and emotional barrier that prevents students from exploring a relationship with Jesus Christ; and, (2)It causes many Christian students to lose their faith. Many students go to college with faith in Christ and then fall away from the body of Christ because they encounter this stronghold and don’t know how to reconcile this perspective taught by their professors with the faith passed down to them by their families. What makes matters worse is that this lie is often reinforced when these students go to their home churches/campus fellowships and find apathy towards issues of justice and race on the part of many followers of Jesus Christ. The tragic result—they find community with well-intentioned non-believers, fall out of community with the Church, and fall away from Christ.

In response to these perceived needs, God led Robert and Erica through a special period of prayer and fasting in 2005-2006 to seek His direction and guidance on the establishment of a new ministry which would address this spiritual lie that has taken hold of college campuses throughout the world. At the end of several months of prayer, we felt that God was leading us to pray for a “core” team of leaders who would serve as the foundation for the new ministry of “Christian Students of Conscience.”

Our first kick-off event for C.S.C. was an urban justice “boot camp” in July 2006 called “Project Revolution.” This was a joint ministry venture of C.S.C., New Song L.A., and Here’s Life Inner City (the urban ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ). As part of Project Revolution,God brought together 24 people to live together in community for one week at the Salvation Army in Compton. During this time we conducted intensive Bible studies and trainings on issues of race and justice and we sent teams of students out to various urban ministries throughout the city to work with youth, immigrants, and homeless populations. Participants also went through a “poverty simulation” in which we simulated the experience of being homeless for a day and a half. On the 4th of July, we took a “Freedom Ride” throughout the city and visited various historical sites of racial struggle and discussed specific issues of racial injustice from a Jesus-centered perspective. Our “tour” included the Santa Anita Race Tracks(which were Japanese internment camps during WWII), Olvera Street, Chinatown, and important sites related to the Watts Riots and the Rodney King beatings. The day culminated with a fireworks celebration on the Pacific coast in Santa Monica. It was an amazing time and we are now beginning to plan for Project Revolution IV!

Building upon Project Revolution, we have also conducted two other social justice/inner city programs since 2006. The first is a ministry program called, “The Urban Justice Leadership Training.” The goal of the Urban Justice Leadership Training is to raise up a leadership core of authentic, broken followers of Jesus Christ who have a heart for issues of urban justice and community development. The U.J.L.T. is an intensive 6-month training on social justice and urban community development from a Jesus-centered perspective. It focuses important urban justice issues/topics such as Christian Community Development, Poverty & Health, Women’s Issues & Job Development, Youth & Education, Immigration, and Race Relations. Our second training program is titled the J.A.C./C.S.C. Servant Leadership Training. This is a high commitment two month training which has the goal of raising up core leadership for C.S.C. The Servant Leadership Training covers topics such as “the Jesus of Justice, Advocacy, and Compassion,” “Biblical Perspectives on Poverty,” “Cross-Socioeconomic and Cross-Cultural Learning,” “Urban Ministry Stylz: Learning from the Streets,” “Introduction to Christian Community Development,””Nehemiah and Community Transformation,” “Nehemiah and Community Transformation,” and “The City and the Poor: How Injustice is Built Into City Structures.”

C.S.C. places a high value upon socio-economic and cultural diversity and our students come from a wide array of backgrounds. We have undergrads, graduate students, and young adults from community colleges, UCLA, and local churches. Our group is also incredibly culturally diverse, with a strong mix of Latino, African American, Asian American, and Anglo American participants. In confirmation of the initial vision, God has brought to us many students who would probably feel alienated by many traditional campus groups and churches.

And so, God is doing some amazing things through C.S.C.! We are so thankful for all He has done in such a short period of time, and we look forward with eager anticipation to all that He has planned! We hope that you can come be a part!

Goals of CSC
Are you a “revolutionary”? Interested in issues of race and social justice? Interested in finding ways to serve the poor? Not sure how to reconcile your faith in Jesus with your your heart for these issues? As a follower of Jesus Christ, and as a professor of Chicana/o Studies at UCLA, I know how hard it is to wrestle with these questions. Christian Students of Conscience is a home for Christian college and university students who care about issues of justice and race, but who find no place to express their concern for these issues in traditional church settings and campus ministries. Sadly, many Christian college students have walked away from church and their commitment to Christ because they viewed the organized church as irrelevant to the needs and concerns of the poor and people of color. Christian Students of Conscience (C.S.C.) provides a place for such students to become reconnected with Christ, holistically discipled, and systematically trained in issues of justice and race from a biblical perspective. C.S.C. creates a new community on campus for Christian students concerned with issues of justice and race. In addition, C.S.C. will systematically train college and university students in Christian Community Development and mobilize them to serve the poor of urban communities in the United States and abroad. A primary goal of C.S.C. is to raise up future Christian leaders who understand God’s heart for the poor and who will take this understanding into the international workplace and market place of ideas. A further goal of C.S.C. is to serve and resource the thousands of important and already established ministries of our urban communities. C.S.C. recognizes that these grass-roots ministries are in the best position to understand the needs of their own communities. The leaders of these urban ministries are the “hidden heroes” of our nation who have labored quietly, arduously, and without recognition in the name of Christ for many years. C.S.C. will come alongside these ministries in an attitude of servanthood and humility to learn and serve. C.S.C. will provide a steady supply of student laborers for these ministries which do such important work, but which are often under-staffed and under-resourced. C.SC. is also a place where socially "conscious" students can come to learn more about the real Jesus. Sadly, students are taught in the classroom that Christianity stands opposed to issues of justice and race and this stereotype is further perpetuated by the conflation of Christianity with partisan politics. If this is you, we invite you to join us on the journey of learning more about Jesus' heart for justice. In the Solidarity of the Kingdom,Robert Chao Romero

How can I get more info to be a part of CSC?
Contact Robert Chao Romero at: robertchaoromero@gmail.com
Erica Romero: ericasheplerromero@gmail.com
Check out our Group Facebook: Christian Students of Conscience

What are some upcoming projects?
“Boxes of Love” Packing Party, Here’s Life Inner City, Lynwood, November 15
“Project Angel Tree” Distribution, Salvation Army, Compton, December 13-20
May 1st Immigrant March, Downtown Los Angeles
Urban Youth Worker’s Institute, Azusa Pacific University, May 14-16
Project Revolution, Summer Urban Justice Bootcamp, Los Angeles, July 2009

Resources (News, Media, MP3, Suggested Books, Facebook)
People and Organizations:

1. “Here’s Life Inner City,” Urban Ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. Various cities throughout the U.S.
http://www.hlic.org/

2. “Christian Community Development Association”
www.ccda.org

3. “International Justice Mission”: http://www.ijm.org

44. Sojourners.com

5. Urban Youth Worker’s Institute: uywi.org

Books and Videos

Books:
1. God’s Politics: Why the Right Gets it Wrong and the Left Doesn’t Get It; Jim Wallace
2. Beyond Charity: The Call to Christian Community Development; John Perkins
3. A Theology as Big as the City; Ray Bakke
4. Divided By Faith; United By Faith both by Michael Emerson and Christian Smith
5. Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger; Ronald J. Sider
6. Good News About Injustice; Gary Haugen
7. The Irresistible Revolution; Shane Claiborne

Videos:
“Compassion by Command” by Here’s Life Inner City, C.C.C.
Compassionbycommand.com

2. “Good News About Injustice: A Witness of Courage in a Hurting world”
http://www.ijm.org/NETCOMMUNITY/Page.aspx?&pid=209&srcid=208

“Healing America’s Wounds”, book and video, by John Dawson
“Another World Is Possible”, Vol. 2, “Poverty,” Shane Claiborne

Partnerships
New Song Los Angeles, Here’s Life Inner City, Neighborhood Outreach Council of Los Angeles, Destino, La Fe, Compton Salvation Army, Pico-Union Nehemiah House, Intervarsity Christian Fellowship at UCLA, Chinese for Christ, Xealot Mexico City

Meeting Times and Locations
J.A.C./C.S.C. Servant Leadership Training, October 2-December 4
Contact Robert and Erica for more information on the training and upcoming service projects.

GO WATCH "CALL+RESPONSE" THE MOVIE

2008-10-11T02:38:00.001-07:00

Tonight is about turning a movie into a movement. Thousands of people are seeing CALL+RESPONSE as we speak. This means tens of thousands of dollars are going directly to field projects that combat slavery at every level.

We have jumped so many hurdles to get to where we are. While many Producers can breath a sigh of relief on opening night, that's not the story here. We're not out of the woods yet. While many shows are selling out right and left, there are many shows that don't event have one ticket sold yet. I need you to show your commitment and buy a few tickets if you haven't already. This is the only way we are going to be able to expand into other markets in the weeks to come.

If you have already seen CALL+RESPONSE, I hope you want to let everybody in your city know about it. Check out the new city posters we have online: www.callandresponse.com

If you were not able to catch the CALL+RESPONSE special on Dr. Phil today, it really is a must-see. Dr. Phil Clips on C+R

Freedom is up to you. Be The Response.

Justin Dillon
Director/Producer

Education, Social Injustice, and Human Trafficking

2008-10-05T03:36:00.000-07:00

It's simply amazing what has been happening for the last few days. I've been connecting with all different types of people, for different reasons. But one goal is sure- that God be glorified through the expression of love.

When reading through the 1000 pages of graduate school articles, I come across numerous historical accounts of social injustices in U.S. education. Over and over, I see people being marginalized, students given unequal opportunities, and the horrible accounts of perverse Protestantism that participated in some of these events. I am a Protestant, no, I am a follower of Jesus Christ. And he did not teach for capitalism to be on of the key interests in American politics. He did not teach that children who were less fortunate than their richer-across-town counterparts be expected to fail since they are "racially inferior". He did not teach that the poor, the fatherless, the orphaned be pushed aside since they were a nuisance to deal with. On the contrary, Jesus is the king of social justice. Did he not talk about issues of money and the dangers of loving it? Did he not tell us Christians to take care of children who have no fathers, the mothers who have no husbands? Did he not reach out to the prostitutes, the outcasts of society, the handicapped, etc?

Yes. The Jesus people see accounted through the figures in textbooks (and even in current events), is not representing the Jesus in the bible. My passion to see the oppressed free, the sex slave to know that they are worthy to be loved, to empower the next generation of children through education, to write and voice about issues that stimulate deeper thoughts of morality, are not my own. These are God's passions that are placed in me.

Digressing a bit...

The other night, I was praying and God spoke a certain calling on my life. It was very shocking since I never fully associated this calling to myself before. However, I felt the Holy Spirit move within me, and could not help but to be overwhelmed with excitement. Then the next several days, I'm meeting people who are interested in the same topic, and wants to 1. network with me 2. work together 3. learn about the subject. I see what God is doing, and it's so incredibly exciting. Living for Jesus is truly living.

God Movements

2008-09-29T23:44:00.000-07:00

God is really amazing.

On Saturday, CSC met up for the first time. Professor Romero educated us newbies about social justice according to the Christian faith. For once, he spoke of how great heroes, such as MLK JR, or Ceaser Chavez, were men of intense faith. Sure they weren't perfect (neither were some of their followers), but the force driving these leaders to lead, and make a dent in society, came not from human strength, but from their relationship with God. It is noted in history that Ceasar Chavez went on a "hunger strike" but in actuality, he did a spiritual fast (like what people did in the bible) and it was only after that fast was there a great shift in the movement. If you read MLK's letters to fellow churches, you see how much he talks about Jesus, about God, and how all of this movement is derived from the Father's heart to see the oppressed free. But what is socially unjust (in my opinion) is the omitting of such details in academic programs. Only horrible unbiblical accounts of "Christendom" is told of, while these positive aspects of Christianity is left out. How's that for social justice? If we want to be objective, then let's put all the info and let the readers decide for themselves what is truth.

Yesterday, David brought his friend Daniel to church. Daniel is a new Christian, who was once a "Paul" like Jew, hating Christians intensely, and even writing for a Jewish newsletter. He abhorred what Christians were preaching, practicing, etc. God totally divinely appointed us three to meet. While eating at this Caribbean health place, he began to share about his current trials in life. It was amazing how similar our trials were. I shared my story with him, and he was greatly comforted (and so was I). The three of us ended up praying for each other in the parking lot before heading home.

And then, there's today. Some of my classmates and I went to go eat lunch. After praying for my food, I guess a classmate asked if I was super Christian or something, and I replied that I do have a relationship with Jesus. haha. It was really cool to hear their opinions about their distasteful experiences with Christianity and how we had a mature discourse on why we think this all happens and such. Ironically, we walked by some religious radical telling people that they were going to hell (signs, you know the whole deal). I just laughed and told my friends Christianity ain't like that, and I really don't know what to make of them. But glad that they were mature enough to understand and we walked off and went our separate ways.

Oh this is so interesting. Everyday it seems, there is another divine encounter with people, all hungry, or questioning, or just wanting real friendships.

God will you bring your love so evident in me, in Your power, cuz I can't do this on my own strength!

Yay!

Times of Refreshing -- a glimpse.

2008-09-23T23:54:00.000-07:00

For the past few days, Willma and I have been doing the bible reading (one hour) consistently, and how it is revolutionizing my growth! Anna came down a few times to read with us. Today, Danny Rha joined us in my room. We had an awesome time of prayer! God really spoke to us about UCLA, and about our individual lives. Oh I am so so so so so excited for what is up ahead. I love my classmates. I love them! They are so wonderful. I love the program. It is hardcore social justice focused. I am going to start getting trained by Tatiana from Newsong LA; she wants me to have leadership training for JAC / CSC of Newsong LA church and UCLA. Oh I am so excited. In addition, Willma is having his family group on campus on Tuesday nights. There is so much going on, and I am just so thankful for so many people who have been praying for me and constantly challenging / encouraging. Even yesterday, Yen Ling, my roommate told me that God wants her to do devotionals with me in the mornings. I was so blessed to hear that, for I struggle with the most mind battles in the mornings! So, this upcoming is going to be a hardcore intensive year of growth in God's movements in all areas of my life. Yayayayayyyy!There is so much a person can focus on in this life, but when you come to a point of focusing on His purposes, something insides you lives... for when we die for Him, that's when we truly live.

Oh fasho.

Till next time.

GODSPEED.

He puts a Newsong on my mouth!

2008-09-21T17:24:00.000-07:00

He puts a Newsong on my mouth!
I went to Newsong LA today. It was nice seeing familiar faces from Project Revolution. I can't wait until the next project revolution! Being homeless for a few days (part of PR) really puts into perspective what these people are going through. It challenged me to live frugally and trust that God will provide for all my material needs. For instance, I needed a shelf for my room (so cluttered, all them books). I was thinking of purchasing one, but a random girl by my apartment was having a yard sale. A white shelf (I needed white!) she sold to me for only $12.00! In addition, decorating my whole room only amounted to about $100.00. That includes, curtains, curtain rod, shelves, etc. Everything else, I found or got from someone. I love my room!

Today's sermon was truly orchestrated by the Holy Spirit. I am currently going through a difficult transition in my life (one of the most painful actually). Donna, the speaker, talked about Elijah in the book of 1 Kings. After dealing with all 850 prophets of Baal (Jezebal's god), he runs away and is miserable. Jezebel wants to kill Elijah, and even though Elijah saw the awesome power of God, he ran from her and told God how tired he was, even wanting to die! God then, prepared a cake and some water for him and said "Get up and eat." This really showed me how much God does care for my needs. Instead of looking at my painful circumstances, I really have to see all the blessings around me and thank Him for it. I have a wonderful roommate, living in west LA, nice room, great school, great program, so much opportunity to serve in the community...Seriously, thought patterns (especially negative) are so hard to break down sometimes. It's just like how Paul said "What I do not want to do, this I keep doing". But even more so, God showed me that was where I needed to practice "faith". For faith isn't faith unless it's hard to have it right?

There are numerous opportunities to get involved at Newsong LA. So far, Im really interested in writing for the communications department, doing audio tech, singing, shooting photography (dad gave me his old school 35mm SLR), and film. Interestingly, I am currently in the middle of doing a documentary about an important issue that needs to be more addressed in the church, and NS LA is doing a filming about trafficking and minors. My documentary is related to the topic in a sense, but I'll let ya'll know what it's about when it's finished. I shot some footage in Bangkok, and some here (of my friend Laurie Ishii, an ex-prostitute). I am very excited to start and finish this project (which will take me more than a year due to graduate school, and my lack of tech savvy). I'm also excited to start making music. I'm trying to buy a Macbook if anyone is selling them. I've already recorded a song with my friend Kilang back in Bangkok a few months ago, but it's a horrible rough cut. I'm so excited to start working on these projects. I just have to make sure to put God's priorities first!

This is Annie (From Nightlight) and Laurie Ishii (Laurieishii.com)at a Nightlight Benefit a few nights ago.

Please keep me in prayer. I want to glorify God in my personal life, my social life, my education goals, and artistic ventures. For all is meaningless if it doesn't cause the receiver to feel loved or be convicted of God's love!

Now off to Scoops ice cream with Anna.
Till next time.

I love LA!

2008-09-20T23:34:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here on the 8 line big blue bus. I missed me stop on Barrington ave it seems. The diversity of people is a treat to the eyes.

I just arrived to promenade area! Boy am I far. Haha. I feel so alive being in LA. My teammates for the education program are wonderful. UCLA's teacher education program has a social justice agenda and it's really encouraging. Since I am called to teaching, I see a portion of what God is trying to do. While doing quiet time, God taught me about being faithful with all that He has entrusted me with. For instance, in the book of Daniel, the prophet Daniel administrated to the political needs of King Darius. Daniel was so effective in his performance that other officials out of jealously plotted to kill him. Thrown into a lion's den, Daniel was not eaten alive because the Lord protected him. Because of this, King Darius saw the special favor Daniel had on him, therefore made a decree that the god of Daniel shall be worshiped in the land. The way God works. Since I'll be working in a secular environment, there will be many challenges up ahead. Working in a public school can stifle my sole passion to make Jesus' name known; however God was teaching me through this quiet time that He is so much more powerful than my doubts. Oh how it always begins with a mustard seed of faith.

Living to see love acted out is so rewarding. God has been so good to me, for he disciplines those He loves. Pain is discipline, and lately I was having much of it! God was showing me how much I placed idols in my life, and through this painful experience, He will produce righteousness in me.

Meeting anna tonight for some LA fun again. Till next time, love you all!

Ten Days

2008-09-15T13:13:00.000-07:00

"Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." ~ Isaiah 30:20-21, NIV

Today I awoke to crying. These past few days have been tumultuous to say the least. Speaking to a friend yesterday, she told me to wait 10 days and I'll see times of refreshing come soon enough. Interestingly, I start school exactly 10 days from today. I don't know what to expect. So many changes will take place. I don't want to let go of my familiar surroundings even if it is choking me to death! I spent time talking to another good friend at the block yesternight until 4am. It's amazing how God reveals that His love is there, faithfully. Only God's love is ever so faithful and constant. Every time I invest too much in creation to fulfill my longing to be loved is when I come across disastrous moments.

You know when you sing songs at church about obedience. "Ill obey and serve you...I surrender all... Empty me". Well, never have I expected what the cost would be. When Jesus says lay down your life, He meant it. And again and again, I'm learning to adjust to changes, for He gives and takes away.

I never wanted to, in my fleshly desire, make ultimatums in various decisions. I knew it was the most loving thing, for God was directly me in such a way. The only sucky part is that all those who are affected by my decision don't understand that it stemmed from a deeper love. Perhaps I didn't communicate it properly. Regardless, what's done is done, and all I can do now is let go of the past, and embrace the new awakenings of tomorrow.

But what about the fatherless and hungry?

2008-09-13T13:04:00.001-07:00

Psalm 82:3-4
Defend the poor and fatherless; Do justice to the afflicted and needy. Deliver the poor and needy; Free them from the hand of the wicked.

Every time I think about my own selfish trials, God seems to sober me up with a verse such as this one. I think about the children in third world nations who are suffering from sharp hunger pangs. I think about orphans whose parents have died or left them behind; or even worse, pushed them into a life of hell through prostitution or slavery. I think about those who are institutionalized in such a way, that the gospel message is almost impossible to penetrate through (almost, because God is always possible). It sobers me up... Wake up Bonnie, stop looking at your own life and get ready for battle (on knees, and on the field).

For we don't fight against flesh and blood but against the ruling authorities, principalities and dark spiritual agents of this world...

Those who have been given more, more will be expected of them.

2008-09-11T17:37:00.001-07:00

"Those who live accordingly to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God."

Romans 8:5-8

While doing devotional today, God really spoke to me and the frailty of the human being. First, I was reminded through a prayer from Willo, that God expects more from me because I have been given much. I didn't really take that as seriously until today. God has given so much to me, various opportunities to bless others, and yet just like this verse says, "the mind of sinful man is death" I felt like I was dying because I dwelt too much on selfish thoughts for an extended period of time.

The outcome of those minds directed by the Holy Spirit is life and peace. When I go about my own way, what my flesh desires, I cannot please God, and inevitably, I bring all types of trouble on myself (hence, death). I've realized that the Holy Spirit is the guidance and I must take more time to communion. There are lives at stake, hungry people in the world, broken daughters and sons, and I have to keep accountable to checking myself and my temptation to be directed by my sinful nature, my flesh. I want life, I want peace, the Holy Spirit guides me on that path.

It's only about two weeks till school starts. I truly believe God's sovereignty put me on the UCLA campus for a specific reason. I still don't know what to expect. I felt so frustrated knowing that I would be fighting the bureaucracy of educational politics, and reluctantly accepted teaching as my present goal. But God wants me to teach for some reason, and all I can do is have faith to see what's in stored. I plan to have gatherings at my apartment for bible reading and prayer. If you are in the LA area and need a place just to read the word and pray (about an hour of reading, hour of praying), feel free to contact me.

Other than that,
As always, your prayers are felt and effective. Please continue to pray for strength. I want to be an instrument for global change, but it first has to begin with my own character issues. Pray that I will keep watching for the workings of God and follow his example. Thank you everyone!

Love you!
Solei Deo Gloria.

Truth Reveals Itself in the End

2008-09-11T02:19:00.000-07:00

A rude awakening it was. After considerable attempts to prove oneself right, only truth will reveal itself in the end. And, of course, I was dead on. Some part of me tried to hinge onto any opportunity that was to insure a positive response in the future, yet today marked the day where I let the doors fall and leave it be. It remains heavy, an eyesore to most, but that is the current condition of emotion. It will find itself again on a different, more suitable frame.

How fickle is the heart. Clearly, one who fears the Lord desires to keep attentive to the deceptions of the organ. The heart is most deceitful says the word. And feelings are the ghastly product. People will argue with me, and might say my criticisms are too harsh, but who can ever argue against truth? Time passes, people sin, their sins inadvertently hurt others, and it's a continuous horrid cycle. Unless.....

the heart is captivated by a higher force, a Being who knows the inner workings of man, only because he created him. And then... then will a man become humane.

Libre!

2008-08-16T17:11:00.000-07:00

Times of refreshing... it here yet? I can't say it has been easy for the past several months. I've never felt so alone, so betrayed, so disappointed, so confused and even at a point, suicidal. Yes, typical drama queen. Nonetheless, I told God my frustrations, even my anger towards Him. I didn't understand the verse in James when Job's perseverance cause him to be rewarded in the end. My reading of Job shows a man who inevitably complained to God after periods of suffering wore down his soul. But what I do extract from the verse is this: Job complained TO God. Just like King David, these figures were real and honest with God. They communicated their confusion, pain, and anger. They didn't hide their sorrow or irritations at various points of trial.

So today, I told God how angry I was. A part of me felt incredibly frightened, knowing that He could destroy me in an instant. However, I wanted to be honest, just like Job and David were. I guess this is where He is growing my patience and trust in Him. I appreciate quick guaranteed returns for obedience and honestly hate waiting for the next season in life. The Lord kept reminding me to "keep fighting the battle" because the joys and blessings will come sooner than I think. I don't know what to make of this, but... to wait?

It's coming soon.

Take out all the thorns in my feet and in my heart
Restore me to the purest state
so I can see you clearly again.

Keep me in prayer. Please.

A Life not Wasted

2008-08-02T19:57:00.001-07:00

So today I felt pretty dejected. For several years, I felt convicted that investing into people was more crucial in life than serving my own artistic needs. Various times, I rationalized between how my time could be managed between self-pleasures (music, going to shows, art, etc.) and establishing deeper relationships with people. The realization was obvious; I cannot invest into people's lives if I am too busy with my own passions. There just simply wasn't enough time. Presently, I have much time on my hands. Being in a state of transition (new church, new school, new city, new singleness) has been extremely difficult to deal with. Adding onto having so much time, I forgot what my passions (aside from meeting people) were. There are cook books, photographs, band pictures, scattered poetry pages, unedited mini dv tapes, classical books, my guitar, my bass, and several other mini-passions that lie around my room. When I recall the times I use these items, it almost indefinitely had to do with service. I only used the cookbooks to make meals for people. The musical instruments for church, dv tapes for church film editing, even classical books (reading was a requirement for my undergraduate degree {going to school because I am called to teaching]). I've realized that my main passion in life centers around building people, helping people, and allowing people to become a part of my life. I say this objectively, and not to present myself as some saint.

But now that I am not presently in a church, per se (since I will be relocating to Newsong LA) I have no drive to use all these possessions or tools that lay in front of me. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. But everything seems so meaningless and selfish if material possessions aren't used for cause of building people. Is this a bit extreme? It almost seems as if I have no personality because of it. I once desired to be someone of great status in society, namely, in the area of the arts (fashion / graphic design). But once again, I am called to teach and had to struggle with God for I am to choose such an unglamorous profession. I see others around me enjoying their artistic expressions and cannot help but to be a little envious. It reminds me of Job's story. "I obeyed you Lord" is what is in my heart...but He took away various artistic pleasures that was bound to shackle me down (If not, I know I would have become someone horrible, trust me on this). I know I am to be a teacher. I've known it since 8 years ago after accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior and then asking Him what I should do with my few years on earth.

Perhaps this is where God is teaching me to let go of the world and its pleasures. To Love Him and to Love others? My life has been extremely difficult as of recent. I had to learn to "shift" and quickly adapt to different cultures, and situations (Bangkok, OC, Inner city LA, homeless people, rich people, hip hop heads, green-vegan-rollerdisco kids, Partying community, Praying/Healing ministries, Scenesters, My corrupted 6th grade students, goodie goodie kids, artsy people, Korean American Christians, Korean Korean Christians, non-Korean Pentecostals, Conservatives, Lawyers, Lawyers with depression, Professors, etc.)It had been crazy. But I recall the Apostle Paul telling us Christians to "be like the greek or jew to win them for Christ." And Jesus telling us to "be in the world but not a part of the world;" I think I took these truths quite seriously. But, it worked for building relationships and showing Jesus!

I guess I felt pretty frustrated at watching others and their accomplishments (in terms of art) while I felt confused at my own inability to enjoy my own art. But after writing all this down, I guess the greater good outweighs one selfish person's whining.

Please keep me in prayer. I want to be closer to the source of Love.

TransCulturalism and Times of Refreshing

2008-07-26T15:49:00.000-07:00

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God

-Romans 12:2

When I ask people "What do you think you're supposed to be doing in your life?"
I receive various answers. One of these, is the common, "I don't know." I've come to realize that at this point in my life, I'm a bit confused as well. All I know is that God spoke to me today: "Bonnie, times of refreshment will come, you're are in the battlefield right now, so fight. Abide in my love. Your faith will heal you." It was very interesting. Never in my life have I questioned my walk with God so fiercely. I'm showing signs of spiritual bipolarity; one moment I'm walking the narrow path guiding others to His word, the other in self-preserving, victimizing pity, all with crying, anger and bitterness. It is indeed a battlefield with some losses and some wins.

Before I gave my love to another, I loved God with a pure love. I was reminded today of the parable in the bible of the seed that fell among the thorns. Jesus spoke of this seed that eventually was "choked up" by the "riches and pleasures" of the world, and eventually did not "produce fruit." I didn't know I was capable of being so distracted. While these personal character issues were being exposed, God was simultatneously working to introduce me to world of Jesus and works. At one point I felt the social justice liberals were too bent on humanistic efforts (which some indeed are), and not on the gospel message. For what good is it to help people physically when they are not fed the bread of life or given the living water?

However, at this discomforting theological crux where evangelicals meet social liberals, I realized it wasn't about theology anymore, but of myself. Why was I so uncomfortable to pick up the cross in areas where I was comfortable in? This past year, I believe I had grown much in areas of my character I never knew needed some weeding. For instance, God reminded me that the money that I am earning is all His. He showed me how to have compassion for the poor, the oppressed. He gave me a glimspe of what it meant to live incarnationally among the lost as I participated in Project Revolution. He showed me how to not be of the world, but to relate to them in order to show Jesus. "Be like the Jew or the Greek in order to win them for Christ." I knew this truth, and had practiced it several times (with seeing the fruit of success). But God took me to another level. Be like the low income culturally different daughter struggling with paying for college and dealing with family issues. Pray for her, encourage her. Be like the passion infused preacher man who needs friends. Pray for him, share how his teaching inspires. Be like the little foreigner child who cannot speak English, who knows love through performance. Share your hugs with him, pray for him.

To love them is not to be them. It's about sensitivity. I am not to conformed to this world, but by the renewing of the mind know what God is doing. How do I renew the mind? By spending time with Him (word, prayer, music, arts, journaling, etc.) I guess that's when I can be strong and understand how to be effectively culturally sensitive, shifting to different styles and cultures. This shifting has been tiresome at times. Although, I cannot bear to be who I once was. Therefore, I guess all this battling presently will show itself in the end as well. I just hope that time of refreshment is soon; It's been very tough.

Please pray for me.
God loves you and me
more than we will ever know.

Quiet Time for June 16th

2008-06-16T12:50:00.001-07:00

2 Kings 1

The Lord sends Elijah to inform Ahaziah that he will die.

INSIGHT

Ahab and Jezebel have become famous for their irreverence and disregard for the Law of the Lord. Yet Ahaziah, the son of Ahab, goes beyond them in his blatant disregard for the Lord. After an accident, he inquires of Baal-Zebub, the pagan god of Ekron, whether or not he will recover. Elijah informs the messengers that Ahaziah will die. No longer afraid, Elijah has been strengthened from his previous failure. We must always look at failure as an opportunity to grow.

PRAYER

God often uses our hard times to refine us into the people He wants us to be. Give Him your praise for His care:
You have dealt well with Your servant,
O Lord, according to Your word.
Teach me good judgment and knowledge,
For I believe Your commandments.
Before I was afflicted I went astray,
But now I keep Your word.
You are good, and do good;
Teach me Your statutes (Psalm 119:65-68).

Pause for personal praise and thanksgiving.

Pray this confession to the Lord as you seek to keep your life free from sin:
Remember, O Lord, Your tender mercies and Your lovingkindnesses,
For they are from of old.
Do not remember the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions;
According to Your mercy remember me,
For Your goodness' sake, O Lord (Psalm 25:6-7).

Confess any sins that the Holy Spirit brings to your mind.

Now pray this affirmation to the Lord:
This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief (1 Timothy 1:15).

As you make your requests known to the Lord, include:
-- Greater trust in God's leading in your life
-- The ministry of your local church
-- Whatever else is on your heart

Finally, offer this closing prayer to the Lord:
I am persuaded that neither death nor life,
nor angels nor principalities nor powers,
nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth,
nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us
from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-39).

PROJECT REVOLUTION HELP!

2008-06-11T22:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Family and friends,

If each of us were to look back at our lives, we could probably select a few experiences that were life changing. These experiences changed the way we think, the way we view the world and God and even drastically change our future life decisions. I will have a chance to experience one of these moments this summer. On June 30, I will join 50 other revolutionaries-at-heart in a week-long urban justice project that will show us what it means to love people sacrificially. I truly believe this will be a life-changing experience. Although many others will choose to spend their summer at the beach, playing video games, or waking up at noon, I consider it a privilege to invest this week in learning new ways to serve and love the poor in the name of Jesus.

Last year, 20 of us took part in Project Revolution and we lived together in community at the Salvation Army Compton. By day, we served in a variety of urban ministries and by night, we had speakers train us on topics of race, poverty, and justice from a biblical perspective. On the 4th of July, we took part in an unforgettable “Freedom Ride” to important historic sites of racial, social, and political struggle in Los Angeles. We also caught a glimpse of what it’s like to be homeless in L.A. This year, 50 of us will spend a similar week serving at a number of faith/community-based organizations that faithfully serve those in need as Christ did. Each day will be another opportunity to learn about God and myself as we work with youth, assist in construction, minister to prostitutes, aid the undocumented, and help the homeless.

I am writing to ask you to consider supporting my team. We are in the process of raising $10,000 to cover the cost of food, lodging, transportation, and ministry materials for our team. My personal goal is to raise $337, so any amount that you could contribute would be of great help. If you are able to support us at this time, please make the check out to Newsong Church and mail it back in the envelope provided.

If you cannot afford to financially support our work at this time, I would ask that you commit to pray for our team. This will be an experience where I am pushed outside of my comfort zone and I’ll need to depend on Christ, so your support through prayer would be very much appreciated.

Blessings,

Bonnie!

A conversation with a Pure soul

2008-06-04T17:17:00.000-07:00

krnaznboi: yeah
wut we need to do we know
but its hard to do
Sent at 4:53 PM on Wednesday
me: yea i know kev
im right there
i know im not supposed to be dating right now
but it's really hard
i even cried today!
bc it's so painful
krnaznboi: oh dang
ill pray for you more
me: thanks kevin
it's really hard for me right now
Sent at 4:57 PM on Wednesday
krnaznboi: gotatdo work
ill pray
just dont worry
ok bye
Sent at 5:04 PM on Wednesday

krnaznboi is offline.

I tutored Kevin for about a year. He is 15 and has such a pure heart.
The prayers of children are so powerful, for heaven is full of them.

Still.

2008-05-29T23:37:00.000-07:00

I want to praise you Lord,
much more than I do
I want to praise you Lord,
much more than I do

Learn to seek your face
and in the knowledge of your grace,
I want to praise
you.

Birds in the sky
sing their songs to you
Trees in the field
lift their arms to you
I want to sing
I want to lift
my arms to
You.

Korea and prayer

2008-05-17T11:58:00.000-07:00

Cindy Jacobs has been a well known prophet for years. She has an amazing track record and continues to speak to thousands worldwide. I read her book, it's absolutely amazing. I know people (Jaeson Ma) who were prophesied over by her. Anyway, she visited Korea last year and gave some prophetic words.

It's interesting how I pray the way I do. Being here, sometimes I feel so awkward when it's calm. It's a difference of style, and upbringing in the church. Personally, I love it when people pray like crazy people... that passion is so... encouraging...

Many Korean grandmothers, older folks have a reason when they scream "jooyuh" (savior) and cry during prayer. When you're broken enough.. there is no need for proper decorum. After all, there were many in the bible that wailed for repentance, for justice, for help, etc.

Here is the video:
Note: many people who do not understand the prophetic, never been exposed to it, or seen bad misuse of it, will be turned off by the content of her site. Therefore, I suggest you keep to the video.

Broken

2008-05-16T11:06:00.000-07:00

Today was when it hit me... hard.

Walking into the strip bar... seeing the show, where two girls started taking off their clothes.. then crawling around like animals. The men's eyes glazed with numbness... Usually, when going into the bars, my heart was somewhat apathetic, at numerous times. It didn't hit me, because I've seen sex being glamorized, so what's another sex show right, we see enough in movies?

Well.. for some reason, tonight I started crying. I wasn't a whaling buffoon, but just silent tears of heartache exposed a deeper part of me. A friend comforted me and said not to let the challenges get to me. But it wasn't because I felt an empty sorrow for the girls. It was because I knew what they were feeling. I knew how it feels to be exposed and feel cheap of a person, a commodity. I knew what they were feeling.. and yet they had to keep going... but I had the freedom to walk out of the bar. And I did.

I don't think I can ever look at sex the same way that I did before. Growing up, being exposed to so much, (even in my English literature courses, there were tons of sexual jokes/stories/etc.) sex meant power. Seduction was control. It was wrong, immoral, but hey, that was the part of the world that didn't get compassion from me.

But tonight was the breaking point, and now I understand why God brought me here.

God you are the Healer.
Solei Deo Gloria.

North Korea

2008-05-15T02:31:00.000-07:00

Every time I hear of North Korea's condition, I start crying.
I sit here in NL's office, watching this trailer for a new movie coming out...
and tears rolling down my cheek.

It's so unjust.
I want to go in there one day.

Myanmar and the death continues...

2008-05-09T00:32:00.000-07:00

PLEASE PRAY FOR CHRISTIANS TO RISE UP AND GO IN!

Im waiting on the Lord to see if He wants me in Myanmar anytime soon. I asked the Lord yesternight "If you want me to go there, I will." And today, I get a message from a friend back home, that my other church, Grace is getting ready to send a team out here soon. I might convene with them after my visa is up in Thailand. Is he giving me confirmation? Well, it's one so far..

But please pray for me. I need to know if this is God's will.

Here is an article, please read...

Bloggers describe 'sad moment' for Myanmar

By Jim Kavanagh
CNN

(CNN) -- Eyewitness reports on the devastation and suffering left in the wake of Tropical Cyclone Nargis in Myanmar trickled out Wednesday by way of Web sites and blogs.

Power lines are down in Yangon after the cyclone struck Myanmar in a photo from iReport contributor Erik Hetrick.

more photos »

"This is indeed a very sad moment for all Myanmar people," blogger Myat Thura wrote from neighboring Thailand.

More than 22,000 people have died, according to estimates from Myanmar's state-run media. Another 40,000 are believed to be missing, according to the estimates, and 1 million have been left homeless since the storm hit last weekend in Myanmar, formerly known as Burma.

"They are my people and it hurts me so much. Why our Burmese people have to suffer such kind of hardship? Why us?" Myat Thura wrote.

Another blogger, who calls herself May Burma, blamed the storm's devastation on corruption and dissipation in Myanmar society.

"Burmese used to say that our country never had natural disaster since we have our religion, culture and so many arhats [spiritual practitioners], pure monks and sayadaws [senior monks]. This is not the case anymore lately," she wrote.

A blogger called Rule of Lords claimed to translate reports from Thai television station Yoma 3 into English. Watch a firsthand report from a devastated village »

According to Rule of Lords, the station quoted eyewitnesses who said refugees were pouring into Laputta, even though the storm flattened the city of 50,000.

"There was water, rain and wind," an eyewitness told Yoma 3, Rule of Lords related. "The shore road was submerged and on the high ground the water was at knee level. The whole town was under water. There were heavy waves all over, and water snakes. Some died from the snakes.

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"There has been no help. No one has anywhere to stay. No work, there's nothing. We're just sticking together at the monastery," the witness told the station, according to Rule of Lords.
iReport.com: Watch video of a baby being carried through the storm

The Irrawaddy, an opposition news Web site, quoted a doctor who said Buddhist monks were helping victims as much as they could.

"Monks and young people in each town collected money and rice after the storm, and they cooked rice soup for the survivors," the physician said, Irrawaddy reported.

In one monastery in the township of Bogalay, about 600 people waited for aid, said CNN correspondent Dan Rivers, who is in the devastated region. The monks there said they had enough food for two days and no prospects of getting more.

Meanwhile, Myanmar military authorities were attempting to prevent the monks from getting involved in relief efforts, Irrawaddy said. Learn more about Myanmar »

"Burmese military officials ordered monks not to use monasteries as safe houses for survivors and, according to journalists in Rangoon, the Ministry of Information ordered news agencies not to publish photographs of Buddhist monks aiding survivors, working in the streets or rebuilding homes," the Web site alleged.

Rangoon is the former name of Yangon, Myanmar's largest city and its economic center.

"The newspapers said the ruling generals and troops encouraged and aided survivors," a dentist told Irrawaddy on Wednesday. "But this has quickly become a standing joke among people in Rangoon. We now say soldiers can only be seen in newspapers -- nowhere else.

Myanmar sites

http://myatthura.blogspot.com

http://www.mayburma.com

http://ratchasima.net

http://www.Irrawaddy.org

http://jotman.blogspot.com

"My house was destroyed," he added. "But I don't see any officials coming to visit me."

A news program on state television showed video of soldiers in helicopters delivering bags of rice and containers of water to people, but it was unclear where in Myanmar the footage was shot, CNN's Rivers reported. Map »

In the southern delta region, the soldiers who were seen were clearing downed trees, not delivering aid, Rivers said.

The Irrawaddy site alleged local officials in Yangon were charging storm victims for tin-roofing material. It said officials' relatives were buying up the material and reselling it at a 600 percent markup.

"Toilets are overflowing," Laputta resident Aye Kyu said, according to Irrawaddy. "If aid does not arrive soon, people will starve to death. I beg both the government and international agencies to get emergency aid to Laputta as soon as possible."

A blogger named Jotman noted the storm devastated Myanmar's main rice-growing region.

"This disaster could not have come at a worse time for Burma and the world; the effects of Cyclone Nargis may be felt far beyond the shores of Burma," Jotman wrote. "Because if the Burmese people are to be fed, the food may have to come from somewhere else.

"It is conceivable that the cyclone will drive up rice and food prices worldwide, and exacerbate global shortages."

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CNN's Dan Rivers contributed to this report.

Missionary's calling not all 'peaches and cream'

2008-05-04T21:40:00.000-07:00

by Jane Cooper | [May 10, 2006]

On this day in 1972 Tim Peters walked out of a university tutorial on Shakespeare and made a decision that changed his life.

To the confusion of his professor who thought the tutorial went well, he never went back to study at Michigan State University. But he wasn't an ordinary dropout - it was a "profound religious experience" that led him to dedicate his life to missionary work.

That calling brought him to Seoul where he is now the coordinator of an underground railroad that helps North Korean refugees escape. In China, the refugees live in constant fear of being repatriated to North Korea where they face internment in prison camps or even execution for trying to escape. A "strike hard campaign" by the Chinese authorities means that Peters' work has become more difficult, and those helping North Koreans risk being thrown into Chinese jails.

"Never underestimate the power of prayer," he told The Korea Herald.

And in the South, there are those that are hostile to his work, "I don't want to dwell on that," he said, explaining that if you are prominent and take a stand on a sensitive issue "you've got to expect it's not going to be peaches and cream."

For years as an underground activist he was a voice in the wilderness, but now people are taking notice. Last week Time magazine dubbed him a "Seoul Saver" and splashed his image across the cover of its Asia edition.

"I guess the days of me being underground are long gone," he joked. "It's out there, you can't put the worms back in the can!"

Like his apartment, he explained, he was half underground anyway, "But this takes visibility to a whole new level," Peters said.

While that exposure means that he has to be more careful in choosing his trips to China, he is glad that the plight of North Koreans is being "put on the radar."

Now his days are taken up giving interviews, writing speeches and raising the profile of his work. He describes himself as a "facilitator, an appropriator of funds." During the interview with The Korea Herald, he spoke of a successful rescue that happened the day before. For that individual North Korean to be "delivered" to a safe haven, he didn't need to be there in the "battlefield" himself. Instead, he coordinated the effort through his Asian partners.

Peters founded Helping Hands Korea in 1996 on his third stint in Korea. At that time there was a famine in the North and he realized that his mission was to help "North Koreans in crisis."

Now that his organization is gaining recognition, he says the credit should go to his wife. He describes her as "unique person" for being able to put up with the challenges of being a missionary's wife. "My wife is a saint," he said. During their marriage, he estimates that they have had to move house 50 times. During other periods, they had to do visa runs every 90 days with all five children in tow.

"She could have so easily given up on me in the last 30 years," he said, adding that she has sacrificed and endured so much. He said that she always had a deep respect for his calling and probably bit her lip every time she doubted what they were doing.

He first arrived in Korea in 1973, a year after first making the life-changing decision to be a missionary. During the Chun Doo-hwan administration he was thrown out of the country for distributing leaflets that were critical of the government's stance on human rights.

Today, he faces a battle in getting the spotlight on the issue of North Korean human rights. When asked if there are people who are out to discredit him or even threaten his life, he gave an answer related to his calling, how he wants his work to glorify God and his critics will be proven wrong with the evidence.

"But I do lock the door at night." And he keeps his back to the wall in restaurants so he can "watch the door" and doesn't stand close to the edge of the platform in subway stations. Asked if he thinks there are North Korean agents watching him or if someone would want to push him over the edge of the platform, he said "it's in the realms of possibility."

He assumes his phone is tapped and the organization takes basic security precautions such as operating in a cell structure so that he doesn't know all of the people involved.
"You have to be aware as you can. And pray," he said.

--------------------------------------------------
Korean sex slaves take refuge in U.S.
Group first to be granted status since 2004 law relaxed conditions

[May 6, 2006]

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Six refugees from North Korea, including four women who say they were victims of sexual slavery or forced marriages, have fled to the United States, a senator said Saturday.

The group is the first from North Korea to be given official refugee status since passage of a 2004 law that makes it easier for North Koreans to apply for such status.

Sen. Sam Brownback, R-Kansas, said the six refugees arrived at an undisclosed U.S. location Friday night from a Southeast Asian nation. He would not identify from which nation they came because of worries about security for their families and to avoid diplomatic complications with the country that sent them.

"This is a great act of compassion by the United States and the other countries involved," said Brownback, a co-sponsor of the law. He said that the refugees' arrival in the United States showed "the act is working" by making the refugees' human rights a part of U.S. policy toward the North.

The issue of North Korean human rights has gained attention in Washington as international diplomatic efforts to curb North Korea's self-announced nuclear weapons production program have stalled.

President Bush, in his 2002 State of the Union address, branded North Korea one of the three members of the "axis of evil," along with Iran and Iraq.

In 2004, Congress passed the North Korean Human Rights Act, part of which specified that the State Department would make it easier for North Koreans to try for refugee status in the United States.

Tens of thousands of North Koreans are believed to have fled across their border into China.

The U.S. special envoy on North Korean human rights, Jay Lefkowitz, told a congressional hearing last week: "We need to do more -- and we can and will do more -- for the North Korean refugees."

"We will press to make it clear to our friends and allies in the region that we are prepared to accept North Korean refugees for resettlement here," Lefkowitz said.

Bush appointed Lefkowitz last year, tasking him with raising the human rights issue and providing help for refugees fleeing the North.

North Korea long has been accused of torture, public executions and other atrocities against its people. Between 150,000 and 200,000 people are believed to be held in prison camps for political reasons, the State Department said in a report last year.

Human rights activists have said that U.S. Embassy workers in Asian countries have refused to help North Korean refugees.

Last year, Timothy Peters, founder of Helping Hands Korea, told lawmakers at a hearing that U.S. Embassy officials in Beijing rebuffed him when he tried to arrange help for a 17-year-old North Korean refugee.

"I thought to myself, 'Is this the State Department's implementation of the North Korean Human Rights Act?"' he said.

Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.

www.helpinghandsKorea.org
(someday i want to go into North Korea) If God wills it.

The God of Comfort

2008-05-02T08:56:00.001-07:00

Someone once told that I was always too hard on myself. I think it's true.Today, has to be the most discouraging day for me.

At work, I was told to do something on the computer. I started proceeding with the project, but then should have worded some information correctly. I started receiving emails that confirmed my mistake. I was trying so hard to be efficient, it blew up in my face.

Then...that night...
I did something that could have endangered some people. I didn't mean to (of course). I am currently doing a project to bring hope to those who are struggling with sexual addictions / perversions, etc. But, this project needed what I shouldn't have tried to latch onto and really put people in potential trouble.

So, I really messed it up tonight.
But it gets worse. Later, I met someone on the street by my house. And I really felt the Lord telling me to talk with her. I stopped there for about three minutes asking God why I should, because I just wanted to go home. But eventually I did, and she was very nice. I told her she was my new friend. haha. We started walking to go to eat at one of the street vendors, but I was reminded that I was to go home. I just hate messing up! So, I in the middle of our trek to food, I told her sorry and went back home. She was really nice and understood, but I really felt confused.

Today was a day full of failures. I know tomorrow will be another day.

God please comfort me right now.
And whoever is reading this, please pray for me. I don't think many people how hard it's been these days. Maybe God is trying to humble me...

I hate it when He does that.
Ouch.

Newsong Irvine and Soli De Conference

2008-04-27T07:08:00.000-07:00

God always pulls through.

So for the past few months, I've been struggling as I moved to Newsong Church. I struggled with it, not because they have the heart, they have the vision, the programs, the outreach...

But the need for prayer and deliverence/healing(emotional/physical/mental) ministires.

But God has been telling me that I am to stay at Newsong, and it drove me crazy honestly (because of my desire for more prayer/spirtual realm teachings etc.) and I didn't seem to fit the pattern with my "intense" ways.

Then... My mentor, Cindy, tells me that she went to a "Soli De" conference. She also told me, Oasis church members (those who did a deliverence counseling session on me before coming the Bangkok) were present as well. Because I'm here in Bangkok, I don't know what's going in Newsong Irvine. I only know what is happening in NS Bangkok... The most awesome part about finding out about the Soli De...

was that Charles Kraft was the speaker... I cannot believe this. Charles Kraft is the go-to-person on spiritual authority/delieverence ministries...I read his book, "I give you authority".

and once again God has shown me to shut my mouth, don't complain, intercede, intercede, intercede...and He will answer prayer.

I prayed the NS would be exposed to the power of spiritual authority of inner healing, etc. This is not to boast that I prayed and God moved. God moved me to pray, and He did what He knows best.

Now I am constantly realizing why I am part of the Newsong network. All my spiritual training (some by default) at Grace church is of possibly use to NS. This is absolutely so exciting and GOD IS AMAZING!!!!!!!

I wonder what God has in stored for Newsong and for me...For now.. I will keep in prayer.

I am soOooOoOoo happy to have heard about Charles Kraft and NS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously! Answered prayer!

Chit Lom Shopping with a Wonderful Sister

2008-04-24T11:56:00.001-07:00

If my parents had known how I came home today, they would be so upset.
I rode a motorcycle taxi home, during traffic, with the ground slippery from rain. If you know anything about people's observance of highway rules here, most make up their own. So, the motorcycle taxi weaves in and out of lanes, almost hits two cars. All the while, I am having a blast thinking to myself "I feel so dangerously cool."

Aside from that, I was with one of the women today in a shopping area in Chit Lom. Chit Lom is a glorified version of LA's fashion district. It's absolutely insane how cheap everything is here. I spent about 1100 baht. (That is about $35) which is a bit too much for Thailand! Haha. It's funny how God sends me to a place knowing how much I appreciate Fashion (with a capital F!!!). But, not to worry, I got me money's worth. Two fashionable tops (for school $7 each), two pairs of shoes (one for school, the other for necessity ( $1 and $6), earring holder, bracelet holder, wooden hand ring holder ($2, $2, $7), and a cool watch wristband!

More than the shopping, spending time with down-to-earth people is the best. For obvious reasons, I will abstain from using real names of the women I work with. This woman that I was shopping with, I will call her "Sa". Sa is such a blessing to me. She has leftover residues of broken relational boundaries (as I see that she cannot handle being single, or being with one man). But the beautiful part of this, is that she is so honest and upfront about her emotions and concerns. I LOVE people who are honest; deception is a detestable child of the Devil! She was the woman who opened up to me a few weeks ago. She is so bright, and I would love for her to go into another business in a few years. Or perhaps, bringing new changes that will result in higher sales at this organization. It's incredible how God truly uses those that are "little" in the world to shame the "proud". Sa's love for me is the most abundant and transparent here at the organization. She brings me little goodies to eat, asks me about my current relationship situations, and always tells me that she misses me when I am in the office room working. I am truly blessed to see that "humility" leaves a powerful impression. After all, it is the nature of Jesus. Why would a powerful God, lower himself to His creation, suffering abuse, rejection, and betrayal? Seriously. It can only be because of humility...and humility is LOVE.

I know Sa loves me.
God is continuously teaching me humility in all aspects; I am painfully learning it's language. Please keep me in prayer. I seriously need it right now.

New Places, New Faces

2008-04-18T12:03:00.000-07:00

I recommend reading "The Heavenly Man" by Paul Hattaway. It's seriously a book that every Christian (or non-believer) should read. I think I cried several times while reading the book. It humbled me so much to see how many of our Christian brethren suffered so much persecution, and truly lived out the gospel, while many cultural Christians live in so much compromise and don't take the word seriously.

You must read it to understand what I am talking about. It's not a fictious book, but the accounts of a true missionary. He really does exists, because his mentor "Xu" prayed for me last year in a small meeting back at my friend Joyce's house. I didn't read the book till now, and realized that "Xu" was the same one written in the book!

It's still strange being here in Bangkok. I feel as if my life has totally changed. It almost seems as if I'm staying here for good. Being away from my nest, I have to deal with two opposing desires within me; A part of me hates feeling alone, and the other recognizes that it is good. God told me early last year that he was going to "shift" me or "move" me somewhere. There were more confirmations of this as I read about Abram's call to go "south". In addition, others would pray and prophesize that I would "see new places, new faces" and other details which I cannot mention here. So, all this time I thought I was going to New York. But, of course that wasn't it.

Now after being at Grace Korean Church for 13 years, I have moved churches to Newsong. I didn't want to go to Newsong, but interestingly, during summer last year, my pastor friend would pray for me, and she prophesized "I don't know what this means, but God is going to put a New Song on you mouth." I didn't know what that meant either. My friend Tammy also prayed "God put a New song on her mouth" and it was very strange to me. I thought the prophesies was talking about music. So without a proper waiting on the Lord, I joined GKC's praise team, and struggled miserably (because of my lack of vocal range). God showed me that He wasn't blessing my choice, therefore, I stepped down (the 2nd time in 3 years!). So, around December, I was still confused about those prophesies. Understanding that "new song" in the bible is about renewal, obviously, something different, I kept waiting on the Lord.

Then in Janurary, I attened Newsong church in north orange county for the first time. During the third visit, I asked the Lord, "God, if you want me to stay here, give me a confirmation today." The worship team started playing that song "Put a new song on my mouth, of praise to you...". I was stunned. They played it once more during the reflection time. With this, I felt it was confirmation that I am supposed to stay at Newsong church.

So, after being at Newsong NOC for one month, I am "shifted" again to Bangkok, Thailand. I had told the Lord during my college year that there would be at least 3 months dedicated to Him after I was done with schooling. Interesting my friend called me around late last year and asked a simple question: "Did you promise God something?" I had gotten into a new relationship, and was trying to negotiate with the Lord, "God, you know I can still serve you later right? I need the time to develop this relationship" Of course, God's timing is always right, and He doesn't like to deal with our disobedience. (And He takes our promises serously). Therefore, He sent a nice messagner to remind me of my promise.

When she asked me, I replied with "Yea, to go on missions."

"Where?"
"Bangkok."
"What country is that in again?"
"Thailand"
"Oh, that just gave me chills."
"Why?"
"When I asked you 'where' the first country that came into mind was Thailand."

With that, I told my mother to help me book a flight. Now I am here in Bangkok, learning so much about humility, God's grace, and healing. I am seeing "new faces, new places." I am attending Newsong Bangkok, and serving on the worship team! "Put a new song on my mouth" indeed! Even more exciting, my vocal range has changed while being here. I can actually hit some of the harder notes and the low octaves have gotten richer. Tis strange, but I believe with God's timing, the impossible is possible.

Now, after being here for about a month and a half, I am learning about what it means to feel like and "outsider". Even being in California, I felt that way many of times. However, yesterday' sermon was on being an "outsider" yet understanding, that thee way humans were made, was to be somewhere else. The bible speaks of past prophets and those God called to do His work. They felt much like outcasts many of times.

These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. For those who say such things declare plainly that they seek a homeland. And truly if they had called to mind that country from which they had come out, they would have had opportunity to return. But now they desire a better, that is, a heavenly country. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.

Heb 11:13-16 (NKJV)

Also in 1Peter, we are encouraged with:

Beloved, I beg you as sojourners and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul, having your conduct honorable among the Gentiles, that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may, by your good works which they observe, glorify God in the day of visitation.

1 Pe 2:11-12 (NKJV)

Now with that, within a few months, I will be "shifted" again to Los Angeles.God keeps reminding me about heaven, and that in this life, I will feel very out of place many of times (and it's completely normal too). In Los Angeles, I hope to get graduate housing (at the Weyburn Terrace) and room with my friend Yen Ling. Does this mean I will be moving to Newsong LA? Who knows. I don't why God wants me to be affliated with Newsong church. It's actually a bit difficult for me, considering at times I feel that NS focuses heavily on social work, and not enough on disicpleship and prayer. Perhaps maybe that's why I am there? I am the eye, that needs the hand, that needs the eye?

"New places, new faces." God is putting many new songs in my mouth. Can I sing them all and not get exhausted? Please keep me in prayer about this.

2008-04-15T07:32:00.000-07:00

"Can you please move? The princess is coming."

I looked at my friends Katie, Allison and Dave. We started laughing, thinking to ourselves, "is this for real?"
And truth be told, the princess was to arrive to watch a movie with her entourage. The four of us, moved into the inner area of Starbucks as we watched guards clearing out the cineplex. We started cracking jokes (totally inappropriate, arrogant American behavior) about what the princess would look like. "If she doesn't come with a magical pumpkin carriage, I will be disappointed" says Dave.

As we were making jokes, a group of about 10 people walked by us. An overweight lady wearing a silk zebra patterned top led the way. There was a bit of commotion around them. Katie informed us that zebra lady was the princess. One of us cracked another joke, "That was the most anticlimactic entrance" and I remarked "I want a refund."
I know were horrible yes. But it was too funny at the moment.

Okay but aside from that... Thailand has this crazy holiday time called "Song Khran". During this time, (for about a week) the whole country goes into watery madness. Random people started throwing buckets of water on me while I walking to Starbucks. I was throurghly soaked and somewhat unamused by the time I sat in the squishy chair at SBX. During work hours (or after), all of us (staff and workers) had a mandatory water fight... it was crazy. But fun too.

What has been happening?

2008-04-09T09:21:00.000-07:00

Joy. Resolve to inner battles.
Humbling times.

Joy in the Father's Arms!

2008-04-02T10:37:00.001-07:00

This is me and one of the girls at Nightlight. She drives a motorcylce and had to take me to the post office. I was going crazy on the bike as you can tell. She laughed because she said no other volunteer was crazy enough to enjoy her driving.

Update on the now:

GLORY to you Jesus.

The Father's love sets the captives free. The Father's love takes off the blindfold of the confused. The Father's love empowers, strengthens the weak. The Father's love comforts the depressed. The Father's love heals brokeness.

Thank you Jesus for the Father's love. Thank you for the crossssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!

Today, a bunch of ladies with the gift of intercessory prayer came and prayed for me. They spoke so much life into me! One of them gave me a book by Rick Joyner who, after praying to God for 25 years to be taken up to the 3rd heaven to see the activity (like Paul / John was in the bible), God granted his request and he saw all this amazing activity. While reading it, certain portions spoke very deeply into me, and reaffirmed the gospel of grace in my life. I am learning so much about "grace" for the past two weeks. Everything that comes my way is about grace or the Father's love. I'm learning again, to rest in the Father's love. And when I do that, I walk with so much power! Because I don't have to prove anything, I don't have to be be someone I'm not. I don't have to worry about the future! I am a child of God and that is enough. wowowo. So liberating!!!!!

The word of God is sOoOo powerful. As I read it daily, I am soOooO encouraged by its truth. Holy Spirit, You are sOoOo good! Thank you! Thank you Jesus for the cross!

Also, I am learning Thai at a pretty fast rate. I'm going to start Thai school next week, but the Thai I am learning is from the girls in the room I work in. They are the "outcasts" of the organization sort of. But, God opened opportunities for me to share my testimony and speak about Jesus. I even went swimming with one of the girls (who spoke very limited English). Haha, I seriously don't know how we hung out that day, since it was difficult to communicate. But love knows no boundaries, and though I am unaware that she is a Christian, she showed me so much care and love. The women here are amazing. They buy me little food snacks and give me trinkets. I am so shocked, because some of them live off of $2.00-5.00 a day. I cannot help but to be so so so humbled. And once again, the bible speak truth that God uses the weaker things of the world to shame the wise/proud. And I felt so much movement in my heart for their love towards me, though I'm sure some of them aren't Christian. Just typing about it makes me want to cry. I want them to know Jesus' love more and more. I want to serve them more and more. Please pray that I will continue to rest in God's grace and wait upon the Lord to see His movements, so I can follow them.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I'm having an amazing time.

2008-03-29T10:51:00.000-07:00

Proof-- Oprah and New Agism

2008-03-28T20:49:00.001-07:00

I Will Be Still and Know You are God

2008-03-28T09:30:00.002-07:00

i think i understand why i am here...

or at least partially.

today,

during the afternoon, i stayed in the shipping and packaging room with three other thai ladies. i've heard through the grapevine that two of the three women in that room are somewhat unliked by the women at NL. i understood why. they are the "rough" types. they aren't the typical thai who smile and fall into grangjai (people pleasing). but the funny part of it is that i actually feel more comfortable with them. i think it's because i appreciate their "realness" if that makes sense. im not saying you have to be "rough" in order to be real, but it's the ones who aren't scared of people, God can turn around and make great evangelists too. or at least i've seen those types before. anyway, God provided an opportunity for one of them to open up to me. she talked about her ex-boyfriend (she broke it off yesterday) and how he broke her heart so much (he cheated on her). she went into more detail in her limited english. i was so honored for her to open up so easily. i had an opportunity to tell her "even though i dont know if you believe in Jesus, I will pray for you. " She is Buddhist, so keep her in prayer. i know God is bringing situations such as these to plant seeds. OhHhh I hope to see her accept Jesus one day! Anyway, the other girl ended up painting my fingernails a pretty pink/purple color. then, they invited me to go swimming on monday. i felt so loved!!! so tomorrow im going to buy a swimsuit! hooray!

instead of outreach i ate dinner on the street with some of the NL women. i felt so welcomed, embraced and cared for by them. their humility humbles me. and this is when i realized, the same longings to shepherd / care for / protect God's flock back home, I was seeing it emerging here. One of the women, Jat, taught me how to sing "Still" (By Hillsong) in Thai. It was such an awesome experience. Even the Thai worship leader was reluctant to help me, but God used her to teach me instead. God does always use what seems lowly in society to make the biggest impressions in people's lives... at least that is true to me. The word is so true...

It's becoming apparent to me. I am here to intercede, shephard, and enjoy God.
And when I'm focusing just one those three... I am so filled with smiles.

^_____________^

Prayer Requests:

1. Sophia (roommate): she took a couple days off to spend time alone with God (thank GOD, she needed it!). For God to bring more strength and discernement about a heavy situation in her life.

2. NL: For more prayer, more staff

3. NL Ladies: They will all (or at least most of them) realize the love of God (which brings to repetence / salvation).

4. Me: More love for that girl (read last entry). More intimacy with God. More divine appointments / opportunieis to speak with the women. I really really want to share the great gospel news, not just from words, but to befriend them, etc. But this takes a challenging to my comfort levels! Also, I'm taking language classes very soon. I want to pick up Thai quickly! (To converse with the women!).

Thank you!
All glory to Jesus.

Vent-alation: I need to breath

2008-03-27T05:15:00.000-07:00

The purpose of this blog is not to lie you people and say that everything is okay, and that God is doing amazing works. He is always doing amazing works. But aside from that, I made this blog to show the experience of what I am encountering here in Bangkok through the joys, randomness and frustrations that come with it. Therefore, if you feel shocked at my venting, please go read some Psalms... David was pretty annoyed too.

In no way am I trying to represent this organization in a bad light. The group is amazing, there are many positive aspects about it. This venting is only a personal issue between me and a visitor/volunteer.

I am annoyed.

Well, first, there's the visitor, who seems to have some animosity toward Korean people. She doesn't appreciate the culture. She mentions how she "hates" the rice in Korea because it made her gain weight. She doesn't understand why people are so pushy and shovey there. She just doesn't have a heart for Korea. And that's fine. But I don't understand why she is working there. And I don't understand why she isn't considerate of my feelings, sharing these details with me when I am Korean. She says it half-jokingly, but I know that she doesn't like Korea. I want to share with her how I was born in California, and dealt with racial issues. Being an American, I had to deal with racist jokes, racist name calling, being marginalized in certain areas, etc. And I am AMERICAN. And I'm not going to lie and say that I never dealt with the same feelings she had, yet her expressing it to me, is that some strange coping mechanism?

Now the girl that I'm really having a problem with.. She is older than me by a few years, and annoyingly opinionated. I had to do some data entry for the past 2 weeks and had to move around locations twice. She tells me that we are going to be in the same room, and she ends up never really showing up. So for about two days I was alone in a dark room, dusty (I am allergic to dust) and miserable in the back filling out papers. New volunteers come along, and she is giving them the opportunities to do work on the computer. So, I am basically pushed aside in the dark room downstairs to make room for the new volunteers. I can't help but to wonder if she is slightly prejudiced towards me because I'm Asian. I shouldn't jump to conclusions on that, but it did cross my mind. Sometimes I feel a sense of jealously from her. I established friendships here rather quickly, in the organization and at Newsong Bangkok. It always seems like she needs to prove something to everyone. I don't know what has happened in her life, but she has some major issues. Today the visitor girl, the girl I am having a problem with, and I were conversing on the pros and cons of Macs and PCs. She went on about some details that there is not much difference in programs since Apple's applications can be downloaded to PCs. I responded that Mac is more efficient because it has the same companies making the OS, Processor and CPU so there's a less likely chance of crashing and encountering errors. But mid sentence she cuts me off!

This girl had some major problems with other volunteers in the past. I keep getting advice from people to "love" her etc. But no one knows how it feels to be in a country where you feel so alone, and a co-volunteer adds onto the problem. So I would really appreciate it if people could at least show some compassion at least and pray for me. It's incredibly insulting and annoying. Her arrogance is a purifying stench. It's amazing. I've established friendships with many of the women who work here (the ex-prostitutes). I feel they understand where I'm coming from much more than the girl. They embrace me, welcome me, talk to me. Maybe it's a culture thing, I don't know.

I feel some of the women may feel a bit turned off by the gospel. Many of them are not saved. I understand that it is their choice, and that Hindu/Buddhism is part of Thai culture (much like Jews), however, the gospel knows no boundaries. What is the gospel? GRACE. Many of the staff and other volunteers do act out in grace; they are compassionate. But, as for the girl... if one creates an atmosphere where there is an underlying power conflict, people are bound to break under pressure. Or at least feel turned off to the gospel. Yes, the very effort that is made (the organization itself) exemplifies love, grace, yet, that should not be the end. Love is beyond the act of bringing people out of bondage. Love is also making an effort to establish friendships, go down to the level of the foreigner. Yes, I know I am speaking for myself with the girl. But, I have tried. Try harder you say? Well, why don't you come here and try for me.

For now, I am scared that I will confront her soon. I hope it be at a point where it is loving and not explosive.

God help me.
What are your opinions?

Ointments and Pedicures

2008-03-23T10:05:00.000-07:00

Pedicures loneliness.

My house mate Sophia, a women in her 30's, has been one of the most supportive people I've met since my arrival. Not only does she pray for me, but makes sure I am well taken care of physically. She gave me ointment to put on my itchy bug bites, and stopped by a pharmacy for bug spray. We then went out for a pedicure. :-)

Two new volunteers are staying in our house. They are from Chicago originally, but is now teaching at an International school in KOREA! I'm a Korean-American in Thailand. They are Americans who teach in Korea, but is also visiting Thailand. Sophia is Thai/Arabian, but is married to an American, and both stayed in Chicago for a while. Talk about mixing cultures. How awesome it is that we are all saved by a savior who doesn't roll with racism.

It already feels like I've been here for a month! I still miss the people in California, but slowly, God is winning my heart back to himself by separating me from the familiar.

Some prayer requests:

Me: That I will continue to learn to rest in God's love. I will also learn to show more love to the fellow workers at Nightlight. I will supernaturally pick up the language especially during language school. Protection from bad dreams / mind battles after going into the strip bars (outreach: tues/fridays).

Sophia: Healing. Strength. Solitude with God. More blessings.

NL staff: More help. Joy. Blessings to pour out on them.

NL women: Deeper in God's love. Protection from foreign men with ill motives. Acceptance of Christ (not all are saved).

I prefer jerbe over mosquitoes

2008-03-22T15:40:00.000-07:00

It's 6:00 am and I cannot sleep. I am so scared of mosquitoes. They bit me up pretty badly just a few hours ago. My poor legs. I want to sleep! :-(

In other news, I am currently serving on the praise team at Newsong Bangkok. It has been an interesting experience.

I'm starting to appreciate Bangkok much.
I am missing home still. I miss Johnny. I miss my 02 girls. I miss family... and anno/cat/rest of friends. So tired. I want a jerbe.

jerbe.

A Good Friday

2008-03-21T09:59:00.000-07:00

Today was a Good Friday.

With a lime colored towel covering my body, I sat looking ridiculous. But with a change or perspective, I'd say I was a trendy Muslim, but one who believes in Jesus Christ as my savior. And calls Allah "God," not "Allah". And doesn't read the Koran nor preaches anything from it. Okay, I would say I only looked like a trendy Muslim.... or strange middle eastern Asian woman.

A throbbing headache was the cause of my flaccid and ill-mannered composure. Picking up a green towel, I asked one of the women, "can I use this? I'm cold." She smiled and responded with "chai". Several girls twisted their bodies to observe at such a funny scene; I was too busy wrapping myself to care. Jeff, Annie's (the lead woman of NL) husband turned on the Passion of the Christ.

Thanks be to Mel Gibson for making this movie. Visual are so helpful in provoking deeper emotions. With that said, yes, I cried. The small living room was filled with reverberating cries. Each time Jesus (played by ??) uttered painful phrases, "I thirst" "Eloi, Eloi, Lama Sabachthani?" the crying became more intense for me. I tried to shove the towel into my face to muffle the sound. This only made me look even more ridiculous.

For the past few days, God has been revealing a profound, yet simple truth. This notion of "grace" has been so abused by the church. I am speaking about the message of grace that is coupled with law. If grace is preached with the do's and don'ts of law, grace then becomes nullified. Understandably, grace isn't license to sin. However, the focus needs to be on grace first, not sin. Grace will inevitably bring people to flee from sin. God is teaching me to teach/speak/act with grace, not with law. I never knew I was one of those people who preached law, until I realized why I was so miserable for several months. I was held down by the works mentality and I was oblivious to it. I wasn't earning my salvation through works, I understood that, yet I was trying to be free from sin through works. That is a false teaching; this is not the gospel. No one is without sin. And focusing on the sin (whether to resolve it or not) will not get people to love God more.

It is God's kindness that leads to repentance. With that said, watching the Passion brought about a new revelation. It wasn't "I love God so much" but, "God, you loved me that much? Why?" Why God, did you have to suffer? Why do you love me so much?

The communion was passed, and for the first time in my life, eating the body that was broken and drinking the blood became so powerful to me. It took hold of the deeper parts of me, the place where love understands and love resides. This place is where God wanted to captivate for all these months I was living in condemnation. No work, or lofty thing can set itself against the God who chases the human heart.

And for the time being, I am enjoying being chased after.

Bonnie a Bruin?

2008-03-19T10:21:00.001-07:00

I was about 100% sure that I was supposed to go to Columbia University. I prayed that He would close the door one on thought so I wouldn't be struggling to choose... and He did. Praise God. Though, I am still a bit shocked.

An email from Johnny:

I had a dream a month ago that you were going to ucla, and I had a strong feeling about it before too. I didn't say anything though cuz i thought u'd get a little irritated about it. but thats interesting. anywho congrats on getting into ucla.

God is funny.

Will write more about me being here in Bangkok... soon...

I want to go Home.

2008-03-16T05:00:00.001-07:00

A few days immersed in smog-filled air and loud engines racing by can make an orange county girl like me in want of sweet sweet relief. In other words, I want to go home.

Yes, I'd say it is rather pathetic, being a "missionary" to do God's work, I haven't seem to grasp what that work is. Originally I came with the intent to volunteer my services, time, and whatever other talents I may possess. How glorious! Such a servant's heart one would think. However, it hasn't been that way. I am adjusting to the daily movements of administrative paperwork. I take time to sit with some women and string in beads together (they make jewelry to earn a proper wage). I have been on outreach in the red light area (Nana). And currently, teaching English /guitar are the next assignments they have scheduled for me... and yet...

I feel absolutely useless... and alone.
I never could emphasize with those who came from other countries (missionaries / foriegn exchange students / college students) until now. Though it's been about 5 days, loneliness has quickly become my closest friend...and physical sickness..So I have two friends..

I brought a cold virus from California (poor Thai) and it evolved into a sinus infection. In addition the smog was irritating my lungs and I had to cover my mouth a few times so that psychologically I wasn't inhaling the poison (I usually do this when I take a crap too [TMI?] ). Then I drank the water, and my stomach started to hurt... So of course, feeling lonely, having a cold, sinus infection, and stomachache I'm pretty sure it's somewhat understandable that I wanted to go home...

Then I heard God speak.
It's always amazing to try to figure God out. Being a Christian for about 7 years, He never seems to show the same side of Him. There is the Sweet Father God; the one who smothers his children with blessings and ooeygooey affection. There is the human God; Jesus Christ who understands our temptations, limitations, struggles and reluctance to do the will of God (Yes, Jesus didn't necessarily want to die on the cross, but He wanted to do the Father's will). And as of now...

God has become.. the disciplining Father.
I read in Proverbs the other day "God disciplines those He loves." And then today's sermon at Newsong was about loneliness and how before Jesus did ministry, God the Father took him to a desert and tested him for 40 days. After that, his ministry was powerful! What does that discipline look like for me? Well, before doing God's work, I needed to refocus on my relationship with Him.

So today, I sat in a nearby cafe, sipping on a watered-down cafe mocha (I make Bangkok sound horrible) with my bible and journal. And God and I went on a date. He spoke to me pretty clearly through some scriptures. We were there well over 2 hours. And it was good.

I still have those feelings of wanting to go home. I still feel absolutely lonely and misunderstood by many (no need for details). But, this is what God wants for now... discipline. To spend time with Him and let Him be enough in this world...I guess it's another reminder that heaven is our real abode and only there will Christians come to resolve their innate desire to belong.